Update!

Hi all!
It's past midnight on Monday as I'm writing this, but as I'm wide awake, I figured I'd write a blog post.

Maths, Study & Revision:
On Saturday I had maths tutoring from 2pm-5.30pm, then studied from 5.40pm-8.50pm. I rested in bed until midnight, when I got up and decided to revise some more, and specifically, to complete all my required cheatsheets. So I worked until 3am when I developed terrible nausea (which needed Ondansetron) and a shocking headache, which became a migraine later.

I can justify writing this post because: I have completed every cheatsheet for my maths bound reference.

All that's left is a cheatsheet with examples of how to draw various graphs, etc. and choosing which solutions from past paper exams to include. I also have to ask my teacher to come out to my house to help me with my calculator; often, when I try to solve complex equations, I get an answer like: 72e^4x@5. Which is of no help whatsoever!

Terrible luck!
On Saturday 16/10, I woke with a terrible headache, and later developed severe nausea which required Ondansetron. I still completed maths tutoring and studied, but the next day I woke with a terrible virus: cough, aches, pains, fever, chills, runny/blocked nose and an upset stomach. I lost 2kg in 3 days, simply because I couldn't eat! I felt better on Friday 22/10, and had tutoring on Saturday, as previously mentioned.

Unfortunately, today I feel worse. I'd say it's a combination of things: no sleep until 8am on Sunday, due to the migraine, getting only 4hrs broken sleep, still slowly recovering from the virus, and switching meds. So the entire week I was incredibly ill, (bed bound & requiring help to move from one room to another) I was unable to do any study. Which is why I compensated by studying for 9hrs on Saturday, as mentioned above.

Unfortunately, the marathon study session means that I'll be incredibly exhausted for quite a while, but I must press on; I have many past paper exams to do. My real exams are on the 05/11/10 and the 08/11/10.

Medications:
MS Contin wasn't working very well, even at 40mg twice a day, so my doctor has switched me to OxyNorm. Would you believe that anorexia is a very common side effect of OxyNorm?! I'm already at risk, due to my disordered eating, (apparently) severely distorted body image, and my history. I went through a stage of "starving" myself. And I lost 12kgs in 8 weeks. So I think my Mum will be watching me, because although I want to get into shape, (which is impossible when I'm this ill) I don't need another illness, or more complications, or more doctors! I've been on it for a few days, and I think I'll need a higher dose; 10mg twice daily just isn't cutting it. But it's 100000000x better than MS Contin!! If only they'd give me something to sleep! ALEX. NEEDS. SLEEP. (It's nearly 4am! ... This is an edit.)
I think I'll write a second post so that these are easier to read. Please comment, if you feel so inclined; I love feedback, and it cheers me up when I'm stuck in bed to see an email saying "new comment" =) Take care. xoxo

Hi!

I'm back!
I was finally able to log on to my laptop for the first time in ages. (Seriously, the last time I could use it was when I wrote the previous blog post!) So, I guess an update first, right? Here goes:

• The goLITEBLU*** was a disaster. After two migraines that lasted 7-10 days, my sleep clinician said to try the goLITEBLU again, but if I got another long migraine, then I shouldn't keep using it. So I tried it.
• After 4 days of a migraine, my Mum decided to take me to the ER. (I didn't want to go, as I figured they wouldn't help me if MS Contin wasn't working.) I spent hours curled up on a couch, (not at a children's hospital anymore >.<) before I finally got seen by a doctor and was given a bed. I had to fight for morphine, they wanted to give me Largactil, but that causes me HEADACHES!! So I had IV re-hydration, an injection of morphine and an injection of Ondansetron. After 9hrs in the ER, including wait time, (at a private hospital!) I went home. I had McDonald's drive through on the way back, to celebrate being migraine free for the first time in nearly 2wks! ^.^
• I'm no longer using the goLITEBLU. I can't believe the sleep clinician didn't even ask if there was a family history of migraines before telling me to use it. (The brochure warns of initial nausea and headaches.) There's migraines on both sides of the family, plus my Mum, my father, younger brother and I get them!
• I got a virus the next day, (Wed, 06/10/10) so I was on bed rest for the next 5 days. Except for the Saturday, (09/10/10) when I had 3hrs of maths tutoring. I couldn't stick to my sleep routine, let alone sleep hygiene when I felt so ill!

This is really worrying me.
I'm becoming more disabled each day. I wasn't able to study until this Wednesday, and I sat my 2 hour 20mins practice exam. (Not incl. reading time of 15mins!) I finished in the allotted time, felt I couldn't take any breaks, and didn't move from the same position the whole time. It's what I do when I'm hyper-stressed. So, of course, I finish, correct it (and find I got a damn good score, considering I can barely study) and then move. And I nearly collapsed! My whole back and neck had seized up and were intensely painful, plus my left hand was cramping and shaking. I wish I could sit my maths exams on laptops; I never felt this bad after my German practice exams/real exams last year! So I had a really hot shower, which helped my chills and pain, plus I wasn't feeling so much like I had the flu by then.

I seem to feel like I've been hit with a flu as soon as I've pushed too far past my limits. It's scary; I worry every time it happens that it's an actual flu or virus! I've barely been able to get out of bed this past week. And small things, like helping out by making food for my Mum and younger brother, (they've both had a terrible flu until today) or getting myself dressed make me absolutely exhausted, dizzy and weak. And not my normal level of exhaustion; this is the sort of exhaustion that makes me wonder if I can keep living, or if I'll just end up trapped in bed. Forever.

These illnesses, their severity, and the fact that virtually no one believes that Fibromyalgia or ME/CFS exist, all terrify me. If people understood, my life would almost be worth living.


More study. Ew.
It's past 1am on Friday now, and today I really need to do cheatsheets for Linear, Quadratics, Cubics/Quartics, Higher Order Polynomials/Gallery of Graphs. I can use bits and pieces from older cheatsheets, but I do need to do a Quadratics one from scratch, and maybe redo the Linear and Cubics/Quartics one.

... But I also want need to escape my bed, and go out. I hate being sick! Words can't describe it anymore. Hm... I really, desperately need to get my fringe cut, so maybe I could look at a few stores after? I'd rather do that than wind up in heaps of pain 'cause I studied too much!

***The goLITEBLU is meant to regulate your body clock, so you sleep, wake, and eat at normal times. It also should make you "happy and energetic." It's given me migraines, Ondansetron-worthy nausea, and made me so sleepy that I've had to triple my dose of wakefulness meds, on my doctor's orders. It also made me starving all day long, but then made me feel sick as soon as I ate.

Thanks for reading! I hope I improve soon, so I can study, and maybe even blog. I'm dying to take pics and post them. (Pics of my recent purchases, including a summer-y dress!)
Alex. xoxo

I'm not dead... Yet!

Hi everyone!
It's been quite a while since I last blogged, and to be honest, I haven't used my laptop for nearly a fortnight. I decided to use it tonight basically because I wanted to watch a movie, and I was too tired to sit in the lounge room. I've had a headache since Saturday, and when I rang both of my doctors the other day, they said I could stay in bed and sleep whenever I needed to, until this headache goes away. I also don't have to use the blue light while the headache is here, either. There's something that's odd/worrying: no one has ever heard of severe ongoing headaches and nausea being side effects of using a goLITEBLU, or incredible sleepiness. I've had to up my wakefulness meds twice simply to keep myself awake after using the blue light! The sleep clinician said if I get another headache like this, (ie. longer than one day and no painkillers work) then we'll have to stop the blue light treatment. I think they're worried... =|

An outing!!
I did manage to go out on Sunday. You know my wallet I got? The one I posted pics of in the last post? Well, it broke. So I took it back, exchanged it for another one, and bought some clothes, too. I got a pretty summery dress! I'll take some pics and post them when I'm feeling better, though. Guess what? I got a great wallet; I chose a black one, a different style, one that was more solid, then went to look at clothes. When they were putting through my purchases, they put a brown wallet in the box. I didn't notice until I got home! So I'm waiting until Mum has time to go back and swap it... I am so lucky I kept my old wallet, otherwise I'd be without one!

A short health update:
I'm feeling sicker and more drained with each passing day. My sleep is getting worse, and I'm needing more. Of course, I'm not allowed to get the sleep I need; I have to go to bed at 3.30am, or 2am at the earliest, and get up at 12.30pm. Currently, I need 12hrs in bed to avoid intense pain and nausea. So I'm annoyed. And this headache has me in a worse mood than usual!

I hate distance education. So. Much.
My homework for this week and next week hasn't arrived. I've contacted my distance education teacher 3 times, and she hasn't responded. I'll work on my cheatsheets as soon as my head is better, and maybe work through some Checkpoints questions. But if I'm too sick to complete the practice exams, whenever they get sent out, it's not my fault. They can't fail me, and it's their problem. So there.

What is wrong with this country?!
I had maths tutoring while the AFL Grand Final was on last Saturday, and it was a draw!! I think that's the third time it's happened. Ever. So there's a "replay" (rematch) this Saturday, and my tutor can't come, so I'll probs watch it. Provided I'm feeling better! So, we couldn't decide on a government, the Grand Final was a draw, and they announced the wrong winner on ANTM. (Australia's Next Top Model) Australia, no more decisions for you! It's been a year of indecision, to say the least.

So that's it for the moment. I really hope to post pics of my purchases ASAP, but I'd rather have all my cheatsheets and hw completed. Just for peace of mind. I hope everyone is as well as possible! Alex. xoxo

Government!

Government!
Today, the Independents, Oakeshott, Windsor and Katter announced who they would be supporting to form Government. Oakeshott and Windsor are supporting Labor, along with Wilkie, and the Greens MP Adam Bandt. This gives Labor a 76-74 majority in order to form Government. Katter announced he was supporting the Coalition earlier today. I think it will be an interesting time, as having a Greens MP means that there should be more focus on key issues such as an ETS, and hopefully the rights of asylum seekers, etc.

I don't know if I've mentioned that I wrote to Julia Gillard (okay, emailed from my iPhone) about the support and research that the ME/CFS community need in Australia. Anyway, I got a response shortly before the election, in writing. Unfortunately, it wasn't from an MP, but someone who works in the Department of Health & Ageing, as the Government was in caretaker mode due to the election being called. I called the person, who was a nice guy, and he said to write again, after the election, to whoever is the relevant person, basically saying the same things. This person had pointed out that ME/CFS Australia was a useful resource, and I said it was, but we need more support, and above all, awareness. I'm going to make a request for an MP (preferably all of them) to either wear a blue or purple ribbon on May 12th. Politicians wear awareness ribbons for everything from the violence against women campaign to the bushfire relief fund. I don't think it's a big ask.

An outing:

Sunday was Father's Day, and I went out with my father and younger brother to a shopping centre, and got a new wallet, as my old one was falling apart, and also to take my father out to lunch. We went to the Pancake Parlour, and it was really busy, so I found the whole experience very tiring and overwhelming. Still I was happy with the wallet I got, and I saw a few different things in the store that I liked. I'm hoping to go back with Mum this week. Mum actually gives opinions on how something looks! Clothes shopping, etc. with my father is pointless. Like most guys, he'll say "that looks good" to anything, just so we can leave the store!

Inside view of my new Roxy wallet.

Outside view of my new Roxy wallet.

My new pink lip gloss.

I also went to a shopping centre last week with Mum, as she wanted to pick up something from the Clinique counter. I got a lip gloss, and it's a nice shade of pink. I haven't used it yet, but I looked at the testers, and it'll really suit me. It's sort of a pen-type one, you twist one end, and the lip gloss is pushed up to the brush. It's not messy, and it's easy to use.

After my Year 11 formal (2008) I got some make-up, a first for me, because back then I was practically full-time at school, and feeling really healthy. I was also keeping up 3 extra-curriculars, plus work with a charity. I used the make-up once after I bought it, for a family portrait. I've never needed it since! As it's a powder/mineral foundation, or whatever you call it, it should last for ages. So it's not like I've wasted money, I'm just annoyed I never really got to use it.


Back to school soon!
I've been in contact with my school, and I've selected Literature and Legal Studies as my two subjects for Orientation (in the last two weeks of November) and for next year. (My final year of Year 12.) I'm really looking forward to it, and the school should have reinstated my email account by now, so the prospective subject teachers will be in contact with me. (The Legal Studies teacher is the same as always, but there are two teachers who could take Lit.) The great thing is that the teachers can email me before the booklist is finalised and released, with a list of possible books. That way I can read the books, if we've got them at home. (Mum studied English Lit at uni, so we've got a massive home library.)

I hope we don't have to read Jane Austen. But I'm really looking forward to studying Shakespeare. And I'd love it if they switched Bruce Dawe's "Sometimes Gladness" collection of poetry from English to Lit. Bruce Dawe is very accessible, and has written some lovely poems. I find Shakespeare accessible and quite easy to understand, which has astounded everyone, including my Mum. You'd think the brain fog would affect my ability to process Shakespeare or poetry, but it hasn't! It's really affected my memory and attention span, though. The two teachers who might be taking Lit have both taught me before I was really ill, so they are more likely to be lenient with my homework load, marking, and already understand ME/CFS. I'll just have to explain Fibro to them. The Legal Studies teacher also taught me earlier, so that's good for the same reasons.

Also...
I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog a lot in the near future, as I have exams in the first week of November. This week I have to sit a 110min practice exam. Next week I've got the probability analysis assignment, and then I have practice exams basically every week until the end of October! I did manage to get the probability cheatsheet done, but I ended up doing it on the weekend with my maths tutor.

I've got to do a cheatsheet for every topic in maths: calculus, trigonometry, linear functions, quadratic functions, cubic functions, quartic functions, transformations & drawing of graphs, matrices, and of course, how to use my CAS calculator! I think that's about it, and luckily I've got cheatsheets to draw on from Year 10 and 11, but I have to add a lot to them; this subject gets a lot more complex in Year 12!

So, if I suddenly don't blog for a fortnight or something, the odds are I'm exhausted from study, overwhelmed from study, or can't study or do anything! (Hopefully it's one of the first two, I don't want to be too ill to study.) If anyone has study tips, or ideas on how to relax before exams, I'd love to hear them. I have sat exams before, but maths always causes more anxiety for me, as it's always been my weakness.

Thanks for reading, and I do welcome feedback! I hope I can keep blogging next year, despite the fact I'll be studying two subjects. Alex. xoxo

Our garden

Our garden:

We had some landscaping work done a while ago, those of you who follow me on Twitter will remember my complaints about the noise! Well, here are some of the results:

New garden bed, with lots of plants & flowers

The only foxglove in bloom & some other plants.

I got to choose the colours for the flowers in the garden bed pictured above and to the left. I wanted colours like white, yellow, blue, purple and pink. I don't think there were any blues, but the foxgloves are white, (I presume; the one in bloom is) and I think there are some yellows, pinks and purples, too. It'll be a surprise when all of them bloom! I must post pictures then. =D

The new decking is great, it's a lot longer than our previous one, and to the side it has wide bits of decking that are like steps, yet are big enough to sit on. Mishka had a lot of fun running up and down them, although she is a bit sad that she can't access her hiding places under the house. (The side decking steps blocked off the little entrance she uses.)

We also had some turf laid, as the grass we had was in a very sorry state due to the long drought. This year is on the way to becoming the wettest year in a long time, which explains my increased level of pain. I think this winter is much colder than last year's; I am certain our heating bills have increased exponentially!

Some of the new decking & another garden bed, with plants.

I'm really looking forward to spending some time outside, on the decking in spring or summer. I might even study on the outside dining setting! I do need to spend some time in the sun, and I plan to, as soon as I adjust to having to be up and awake during the day, and as soon as my medications work properly, and definitely when it's warmer. But the garden looks great, and I think it will cheer me up. The landscapers chose plants that don't aggravate allergies, and I haven't had any allergy flare ups in the past two days or so. *Touches wood*

Study and exams:

My TI-89 Titanium calculator.

My exams are in November, and I've a maths analysis assignment soon. This is Week 9, and I'm studying more probability. (I've got a bit of the set homework left, I'll attempt another question ASAP.) Some of it is difficult, while other parts are just a matter of following steps, or applying formulas/using a graphics calculator. Week 10 is probability again. For something different, in Week 11 I start exam revision. I have to complete a practice exam each week, and mail it. Week 12 is the probability analysis assignment. I find probability, trig and graphs to be the most difficult topics.

The page of homework for Week 9

I really need to start making some cheatsheets; I have some from Year 10 and Year 11, but because the subject has changed since then, I think I'll make lists of everything I need for each subject, step by step instructions, formulas, how to use my graphics calculator, and more. I'll also highlight different sections, and colour code them. I then have to make this into a "bound reference" for my long exam, but I'm not allowed to used sticky tabs or anything to mark chapters/sections, so I'll need to work out a system.

Mum is making sure my teacher comes out soon, so I can go over things I don't understand, ask for past exams, exam techniques, how to put together and make the best of a bound reference. (I've never used or made one before, only double sided A4 cheatsheets for tests.) I hope to maintain a B or B+ average, so that will give me a bit of leeway in my exams. I tend to do badly under pressure and time constraints, so my marks always decrease in exams. It's a pity, but I really only need a pass mark for maths to get into Accounting, although a higher mark would be much better and definitely preferable!

My calculus cheatsheet from Year 11

Mishka:

Mishka sitting on my bed

I got Mishka after a hospitalisation in 2005, the year I had off school, because the social workers and nurses suggested I get a cat or a pet of some sort to keep me company at home. Mishka was really in a bad way when we got her; she'd just had kittens, even though she was only 6mths old herself, so her fur was patchy, and she was very thin. I carried her around the house for the first month, so she's a bit spoilt!

Mishka has been great company, and it's nice to have her with me, even if she's asleep while she's sitting with me on my bed, or on my lap, purring or dozing as I watch tv. She's been very healthy, which is great, because I'd be devastated if Mishka got sick. I have a hard time taking care of her, so unless I'm awake at 5am or 6am, Mum will let Mishka outside, and put her food bowl out. I try to bring her in each night, but she doesn't like to come indoors anymore, so I've taken to bringing her food bowl indoors at midday or 1pm, and then Mishka has to come inside sometime, as she'll get hungry, eventually. We don't have a catflap, and if I leave her food out for too long, all the neighbourhood cats come and eat it.

Mishka is timid, scared of strangers, loud noises, and sudden movements. But she's very sweet and cuddly. I love that it's so easy to make Mishka happy; I just have to feed her and pat her, and make sure she's got somewhere comfortable to nap. I wish everyone were that easy to please. Mishka likes hiding in small spaces, and it's adorable to see little white socks poking out from under a bed!

That's all for today, I hope you liked the post. I might write one about my first time voting at the federal election when I feel a bit better. I've been up since 9am today, and only got about 5hrs broken sleep, so I don't feel well. I might write a health update soon, too. Alex. xoxo

Brain fog and study don't mix.

Study:
Yesterday afternoon I had maths tutoring from 2.15pm - 5pm. And it went well; my tutor understood that sometimes I'd zone out, or need things revised because of the pain I was in, but overall I grasped all the concepts from Week 3. (Integration.) It was the homework that was difficult. My calculator (a TI-89 Titanium) wouldn't co-operate for a graphing question that HAD to be done on the calculator, so I skipped that question entirely after fiddling with the 'window' settings for 20 minutes. I think by the time I'd started my homework, I was in so much pain (back pain as well as the pain from my braces) and so brain dead that I really wasn't in the best condition to be doing calculus. I had to read the questions 3 times before I understood them, and I'd confuse a) with c) and have to start all over again! I finally finished at around 7.30pm, and the homework is sitting in an envelope, addressed and ready to be mailed to my teacher tomorrow. Yes, I could try again another day, but I work best when the mathematical concepts are fresh in my mind - even if my mind is full of 'fog'. Besides, I hate making mistakes, or realising that I've made them. I always think I should have done better, even if I get an A+. But because it's maths, I'm just going to settle for an end-of-year pass mark. I can't fail, or else I won't be able to get into Accounting. (I'm desperate to study Arts, then Law, but if I'm still really sick... A safe government job is what I should go for.) So my week is pretty much free until I have tutoring again next Saturday!

Sleep/insomnia.
I guess I thought I would sleep after studying for so long, being in so much pain all day, for days (which is exhausting) and washing, drying and straightening my hair (an exhausting task, which must be done every second day.) But I didn't sleep well. My younger brother was so hyper, he was banging on the bedroom walls and yelling until late at night (11.40pm) so even if I'd been able to go to bed at 10.30pm, I would've just become really stressed and felt sicker. I woke at 1am and 3.40am, and then slept fitfully until 6am. I have a really sore throat today, and have had one since I woke at 3.40am, so I got up at 6.30am to get ice cream! And then I got chills, then I felt like I was running a fever.

I'm just really not feeling well, and I think that the lack of sleep is making me sick. I've been up since 6.30am, pretty much, just lying down in between. I'm really nauseous, but can't take Ondansetron because it's being rationed for days when I'm doing something. (Like yesterday - study.) I did manage to change my bed linen today, but I've pretty much used up all my energy. And it's not even 1pm yet! I've spent a lot of time on my iPhone; on Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook. That's basically my life: the internet and study. I stayed out of bed from 11am yesterday, and went to bed at 11pm, but I still slept terribly. I really think this "sleep hygeine" is useless for me. I'm going to nap if I can soon, because I feel really sick, and there's just not enough that I can do to keep myself occupied!

Comment if you have any suggestions for ways to use my time (NOT STUDY!!) or just want to say 'hi' ... I'm missing the comments! Thanks for reading!

Stress, and lots of it!

Holidays:
The school holidays start at the end of this week, finally! I haven't had a break since February or something; I spent all of the term 1 holidays studying, catching up on the 7 weeks of work I had missed. I'm seeing a friend and going to a movie on the 3rd of July, and there's the Class of 2009 reunion towards the end of the month, so I need to go shopping on the holidays and find a blazer, because, at 19, I don't think I'll fit in wearing a hoodie! But I'll still wear my jeans, lol. I really need a rest, though. I'm completely exhausted.

I think I should move my specialist appointment to a closer date, because the 19th of July is too far away. We need to work out a compromise on my sleep, and therefore my pain. I find it hard to believe that in the 21st century doctors can only treat nausea with Ondansetron, provided you use it very sparingly. I need my other symptoms treated, and not with Melatonin! It doesn't work, no matter how high or low the dose is!!

Maths tutoring:
My tutor rang about half an hour before tutoring was due to start, to say that she couldn't make it, as something really urgent had suddenly come up. (She works as a dentist now, and has been tutoring me since I was 13. I'm lucky she makes the time each week to tutor me!) I didn't think it would be a problem until after I spent 3.5hrs revising antidifferentiation, and realised that I was having a lot more trouble with this Unit than I had originally thought. I tried to start the work for Week 2, but it's just too hard for me to understand what is written in my coursebook; I need someone to go through the examples, and explain how it works and why I need to do each step.

I realised about an hour ago that I'll be so busy this week that I won't be able to start my homework until Thursday evening (my tutor is coming over at about 6.30pm) and it's due Friday. That means tutoring will finish at around 9pm, and then I need to study for at least 2.5hrs to do my homework. So I won't be finished until about 11.30pm or midnight.

Unfortunately, because I study via distance education, it takes at least 24 hours for my homework to arrive. I was sent an email last month saying that if you don't have all your homework in before the holidays, the work may not be marked. But I don't think my homework arriving on Monday as opposed to the previous Friday will make a lot of difference, particularly if I let my teacher know. I can't do it on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, either; I have appointments on Monday (two of them) and a personal training session on Wednesday, so I'll obviously have to rest and try to sleep on Tuesday. I also have an appointment on Friday, so I can't do the rest of my homework then, unless I cut out a lot of sleep, take Ondansetron and a lot of painkillers. Not a pleasant option. And I'm feeling really exhausted and sick every day. Today was the one day I felt able to study!

Stress and anxiety...
Does anyone have any tips on how to cope?

Year 12 is the most stressful and anxiety-inducing experience I've ever encountered, particularly given my M.E.! There are just so many things to worry about, and my specialist is telling me one visit to drop out, and the next to get a part time job soon! I honestly think doctors talk nonsense when they're at a loss for what to say or do.

Also, if anyone else has sleep problems similar to mine, have you found any medications that helped or worked?

I guess that's it for now, I'll probably have more to write later in the week. Thanks so much for the comments, it's great to know that other people are reading this! Any and all positive comments/feedback are most welcome. =D

Maths and other things

Another outing!
I got to go to IKEA on Saturday, as I really needed a new wardrobe and bedside table. I didn't go until 4pm, but I still needed Ondansetron; I've been getting shocking nausea, headaches, dizziness and disorientation/confusion from the LDN. (Which I have had to stop taking; I have been off it for two or three days.) I went to the cafe first, and I really love IKEA's cafe. Particularly the free refills on soft drinks! But for the past 4 days I've eaten one bowl of low fat pumpkin soup (nearly threw it up, that was a mistake) and a few spoons of coconut rice if I get starving. I wonder if I've lost weight; I know I lost a kilo last week. Anyway, I was all *sadface* because I couldn't even finish the kids' bowl of chips I'd got. But I managed a glass of Pepsi. =D It's a good thing I don't lose weight as easily as I used to, otherwise I'd be really thin by now!

Mum had already found out what aisle the wardrobe and bedside table were in, so we went to get them, then organised delivery for the next day, preferably after midday. The furniture arrived at 11am, so I got up at 10.15am, (which is when Mum warned me it would be dropped off soon) watched a bit of tv, and was going to go back to bed, but had to help with the grocery shopping, and get some take-away coconut rice. (If you're ever feeling nauseous, this seems to be quite tolerable in small amounts.) Then I went back to bed, to catch up on sleep. I'd only got 2hrs' broken sleep during the night. O.o

We're going to organise for the furniture to be assembled (hopefully) sometime this week, and then I'll post pics on Tumblr or Twitter of the new furniture. One of the wardrobe doors has a mirror on it, which is brilliant, 'cause I've only ever had one of those little mirrors designed to sit on a shelf so you can see your face. Not useful for looking at a whole outfit!

Maths...
I started Unit 4 on Sunday, having finished my calculus assignment last week, and my 70-minute SAC in the same week, as well. I'm really not sure about how I'll go, and I know for sure I got one of the short-answer questions really wrong. I guessed. Sometimes guessing pays off, sometimes it doesn't; but you had to attempt every question to show a satisfactory understanding of the topics in that SAC. Ew. Week 1 is antidifferentiation, which is pretty hard. There are also way too many rules, plus it's complicated to set out and remember what I am supposed to be writing!

I had maths tutoring on Monday, and we covered all of Week 1, then after about 2.5hrs of tutoring, I studied for another 3.5hrs, and I managed to complete the week's homework and a 20-minute practice exam. I plan to revise antidifferentiation as soon as I can sleep enough and the house is quiet. I hope I get a decent score for maths this year, I know that it wasn't this difficult in Year 11!!

I might ask some of my friends who graduated last year to study with me/share their notes before my exams. That is one slight advantage to being left behind; you can get help from others who have very recently suffered through the same subjects as you!

I hope my tutor isn't disappointed in me when I get my marks back. She's really nice, I just feel like I could do so much better if I could sleep each night, or 3 nights per week. I feel like I'm letting everyone down; I used to be able to survive on 3hrs' sleep every night when I was 13, now I can't survive on 4 or 5hrs' broken sleep. I think if I were to get 5hrs' sleep without waking, between 11pm and 4am, I would be okay. But some nights I am awake until 4am, or even 8am. And I don't sleep deeply after a whole night awake anymore.

Sleep.
I slept much better on Saturday night, only waking two or three times, and I got to sleep at around 1am, woke at 2am and 6.30am, and got up at 10.15am. Obviously I didn't get 8hrs' sleep, as I was awake from 6.30 onwards, dozing occasionally.
Sunday night I slept about the same, except I woke at 2.30am, and couldn't sleep between 7.30am and 11am as my younger brother had a friend over for a sleepover the night before, and they were quite loud. But, thankfully, they were silent when they got up at 4am or something to watch the World Cup. I had maths tutoring at midday, so I had to get up at 11am, and I took Ondansetron at 10.40am, so I would be able to get ready and eat a little without throwing up.
I slept okay last night, as well; I got to sleep at around 1.30am, woke once or twice (I don't remember when, so I musn't have been awake long) and have been awake since 6.50am. (It's nearly 10.20am.)

I've dimmed my bedside alarm clock so that it doesn't display the time; all my doctors have made me "clock watch" so I can say when I wake/sleep, etc. but that obviously increases anxiety and makes you less likely to sleep. I'm getting used to it, slowly, but I hope it helps my sleep in the long run. I honestly think, looking back at my sleep pattern, that any amount of anxiety or stress directly affects my sleep. Which is why my sleep has been getting steadily worse, along with my health, since I started Year 11, and I get worse each time a doctor lies to me, lets me down, or makes false promises and gives false hope. Ie. "I can cure you, you feel like this all because of your Idiopathic Hypersomnolence." I need to learn to let go of these things, but I've never been good at moving on, or no longer dwelling on the past, so it will be really hard. But it's affecting my health, so I must try.

Blogging...
I'm wondering if I should keep going with my blog; I do know that some people read it, I'm just not sure if it's worth it. I feel I should post at least each week, but is there a point if no one really cares? Would I be better off just using my energy to write in my diary most days. If anyone has any opinions, tips or comments, I'm always happy to hear them!

Tumblr

Tumblr!
Yes, I've taken another step into the 21st century; I now have a Tumblr account... I've just posted an introductory post, reblogged some funny stuff, and posted some of my fave pics. I'm not sure exactly what else to do with it. It's a mini-blogging service, right? Does that mean that when I'm too tired to write a full post here, I can write a mini one there? ... I might just do that! Um, anyway, this is me on Tumblr: http://thecabbagestalk.tumblr.com/ I figured I should try it out, as a lot of people on Facebook and on Twitter have it. I like it so far, especially the background I chose for my Tumblr. =D

Side effects...
Because my specialist put me on a dose that was so high it's classified as Naltrexone, not Low Dose Naltrexone, I got one of the worst side effects possible: lethargy/fatigue/exhaustion. So that's why I've been feeling more zombie-like than usual this past week! I also had a lot of nausea and dizziness/lightheadedness. Now that I'm down to about 6mg, I should have milder nausea and less dizziness/lightheadedness. Although the nausea was shocking yesterday when I got up for tutoring; I couldn't sit up or even drink. Thankfully I had some Ondansetron!

Maths:
The next two weeks are assigned to a two week project SAC, designed to be completed in about 7.5hrs max. After that, I have a 60 minute SAC, then I start Unit 4, which begins with antidifferentiation. I had a bit of trouble with that in Year 11, although it was quite rushed when we studied it. Hopefully I'll do better this time around! I have maths tutoring today and we're going to revise the topics my teacher said would be covered in the SAC. That way I'll be fully prepared. (I hope; Mum had a look [she's my supervisor] and said it looked really long.) The next SAC (the 60 minute one) is on calculus/differentiation and circular functions, so I definitely need to revise circular functions before that week begins. I got a Very High on my last SAC, which is an A/A+, I really hope I can maintain that for my school work and SACs.
Exams are my main worry; I get panic attacks about them, and get exam "panic" - my mind can go blank from fear. It happened twice in two Year 11 maths tests. Plus it's quite scary being in a room with just the examiner watching you. And this time it won't be a teacher from my school. =( There's a morning exam, so I don't know how well I'll do on that one, as I can't function until midday, at least. The other one starts just before midday, I think, so that should be okay. I've applied to sit them at home, so that way I can lie down during my rest breaks. I hope I get a good mark; my teacher thinks I will definitely pass, which is brilliant! She actually thought I'd been a student who excelled at maths my whole life! =o

Sleep...
I slept a bit better the other night, and I seem to be able to get to sleep by 1.30am at the moment, but I wake quite regularly. Today I went to bed at midnight, fell asleep at around 1am, woke at about 2am, then 4.50am, and I'm still awake. I tried to get back to sleep, but couldn't, so I figured I'd write a blog post. I can go to school on 3 hours sleep, it's just trying to get 3 hours of unbroken sleep. I'm really worried about my sleeping pattern because I start orientation in Nov/Dec, and I need to be able to get up at 6.30am, or 6.50am at the latest. Which means I need some solid sleep, and to be able to sleep from about midnight. I know someone my age needs 9-10 hours of sleep per night, and I need more than that because of my Idiopathic Hypersomnolence, but, realistically, I haven't slept like that since I was about 10. If one thing gets sorted out this year, or changes for the better, I want it to be my sleep. (Or "sleep pattern")

I guess that's it.
Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate every one of them, and respond to them as soon as I can; lately I'm not able to use my laptop much at all. I'll try to sleep now, seeing as it's after 6am. If you've got any tips on how to use Tumblr, how to cope with lack of sleep/side effects/illness or exam anxiety, I'd love to hear them! =) Thanks for reading!

Distance Education

Good news!!!I got my work for Week 9 completed last Saturday and my work for Week 10 was finished on Thursday, so Mum was able to mail them both on Friday. I felt so much better once I'd finished my work; like I wasn't weighed under anymore. There's just so much work that it overwhelms me & makes me sicker. But I got my work back (Weeks 1-4) and I got everything right, except for one or two questions. My teacher thinks I have a "really good understanding" of all the concepts, even graphs!! So if I do that well on my SAC, I should end up with a B or an A as my mark so far. Which is brilliant, I've never been a good maths student! She's still marking the SACs for my 'class', but I should receive it soon. I use registered mail for all my distance education work & paperwork/forms; it's reliable, can't get lost, and you get a delivery receipt. I've got a SAC in 3-4 weeks, I think it's on differentiation/calculus, so I should be okay with that one. I'm just not great at using my calculator. It's a TI-89 Titanium. (If anyone has/had one and can give me some tips on how to use it, I'll be eternally grateful!!)

Sleep...
I haven't been sleeping much at all. Two hours' broken sleep some nights, 5 hours' broken sleep other nights. The longest I can stay asleep for is about an hour. So I wake hourly on a good night, but every 10mins on a bad night. Today I went to bed at about 1.20am, fell asleep around 2.15am; woke at 6.15am and 8.40am. (Haven't slept since.) That was a pretty good sleep. I just wish I could've slept 'til midday so I could have, like, 8-9 hours of sleep before maths tutoring. (Which is at 2pm.) If I could sleep for 7 hours a night, without waking, my pain would be greatly reduced, I'd be able to function and I wouldn't feel like an early onset dementia patient!! (Seriously; I forget sentences, the names of objects, where I'm going, what a key does AND what it's called... I can get to the front door, have my key in my hand and go: "I don't know what it's called or what it does. How do I get in?")

Another "specialist"
Mum did some more research & found a doctor who is about 1/2 an hour from us, and he actually TREATS pain!! With real painkillers!! Goodbye, Panadeine Forte, hello sleep and pain relief!! He also uses LDN, which is highly recommended by some overseas Twitter friends. One problem: no appointments until SEPTEMBER. I'm on the cancellation list, but as soon as I can manage a phone call, I'll ring up and explain my situation; Year 12, immense pain, sleep deprivation, exams in October/November, my need to graduate next year. Hopefully I can get an earlier appointment. Fingers crossed!! But don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up; aside from pain relief. I'm not going to be devastated and have a relapse caused by another doctor making promises no one can keep.

Organisation...
I'm usually an organised person when it comes to schoolwork, study and homework, but it's got so much harder now I'm this ill. Plus I get panicked and stressed very easily, so once I mail something, I worry that it hasn't got there/I wrote the wrong name or address/it's been lost. So I'm an anxious person to say the least.  This year, I've let things slip. The work being 7 weeks late meant I slid downhill and was constantly overwhelmed. So the necessary forms aren't being filled in on time (also because they're sent 5 weeks late) but it's not helping. Thankfully, there's email, which I can check in bed on my iPhone!! So I have some Special Provisions info for my exams in my email inbox, plus the booklet is in the mail and should arrive in time for my Wednesday appointment with my usual "specialist." I also need to change one of the exams. It starts at 9.45am or something, and I can't function until after midday. So I need aforementioned "specialist" to put in a request for a change of time. She's great with paperwork and the "typical" ME/CFS cases, but isn't good for severe cases. Also she quote: "won't think outside the box in regard to treatments." End quote. Even L-Carnitine is to risky for her. So it's Melatonin (never worked) or anti-depressants. (Never worked, made me really sick.) So, yeah. I'd better be more organised for orientation this summer and school next year!! Hope my uniform still fits; I've been eating 3 meals a day some days!!!

Formspring.me:
I got some rather abusive/offensive questions on formspring.me when I said "ask me something" on Facebook & Twitter. I have an idea of who it was, and one of the questions I didn't answer because it would give away information like my location. (Stupid idea on the internet.) So I've disabled the "anonymous" option on questions. But feel free to ask me any questions that are civil and not offensive. =)
http://www.formspring.me/thecabbagestalk

I'll blog again soon:
Thanks for your comments, they mean the world to me. It's nice to not be called a liar", "whinger" or "faker" just because I try to raise awareness about ME/CFS and actually talk/blog/tweet about it!!
Hope you're all well, take care.

Alex. x

Lots of stress, too much study...

First SAC of the year...
My SAC didn't arrive in the mail like it was supposed to. So my teacher tried emailing it. Her attachment kept crashing the iMac. So she sent it in the message body of the email, & left work. At 4.15pm. At 5.02pm the message arrived, but the SAC was riddled with errors - a Yen symbol replaced the infinity symbol throughout the SAC, etc. But when I emailed my teacher, she said that it didn't appear that way on her computer, but that the Yen symbol did mean infinity. So I had several panic attacks & became hysterical. (The idea that I was going to fail & I'd missed basic concepts of maths was overwhelming.)
Then my mum left voicemail messages for the student wellbeing person, the year level co-ordinator, the Principal & my teacher outlining the situation they'd placed me in. Including the fact that THEY sent my work 7 weeks late & expected me to magically do 42 - 56hrs of work over the holidays to catch up. Despite the fact I'd explained my situation & had applied on medical grounds.
So it arrived in the mail the next day, (Thursday afternoon) my teacher apologised, as did the year level co-ordinator & the Principal. The SAC counts for the work from Weeks 5, 6 & 7, & I have an extension until this Thursday! I started it on Friday, & finished it today, after tutoring. I texted my tutor last week with a list of the concepts I was finding really hard (graphs; particularly reflections & dilations, as well as circular functions) so we revised that. Luckily it helped some with the SAC. I think I'll get an okay mark. I don't wanna jinx it, lol.

Maths tutoring...
So I had Maths tutoring yesterday, & it went for 2.5 - 3hrs! After that I worked on my SAC. Then I ate... I ended up starving by the end of it! But with tutoring, we covered all of Week 9 (this week beginning Monday) & it was relatively short. Basically just the "tangent function" & some odd thing where you add intercepts to come up with an in-between graph. F**k knows why you'd want to, but, yeah. I learned that. Also, I hate circular functions, I hate graphs, so the "tangent function" is irritating. It's a graph that's circular functions. I guess I just hate graphs & circular functions because I'm not that good at them!
So after resting today, then sending my work off on Monday, I'll attempt the SEND tasks for Week 9 on Tuesday, maybe. If I don't get sick, & everything goes according to plan, I should be on track until the next SAC. It's on differentiation. (Calculus...) I like it more than graphs, that's for sure!

Sleep...
I've been trying to go to bed between midnight & 1am for the past week or something, but, as you can see, tonight, I ceebz. I'm wide awake, it's almost 2.30am, & there were some really good shows taped on the Foxtel iQ. Plus I wanted to stay up until I wasn't dizzy/feeling sick/had a headache from overdoing it yesterday with all that maths! I've tried reading to make me sleepy; no matter what I read, whether it's tax law, news sites, actual newspapers, novels, Shakespeare, poetry, blogs, medical information I've printed off, medical sites, blogs; anything, it doesn't help me sleep. Sometimes just watching tv or DVDs on my laptop until I'm sleepy works. That's why it's great having all those Skins & The OC DVDs! But I am hoping to get a serious sleep pattern going soon, in anticipation of exams & (hopefully) school & graduation next year. I still want a decent ENTER, but right now, I'll settle for getting back to school!

Goodnight!
Well, it's nearly 2.30am, so I'm going to try & sleep now. I love it when anyone posts a comment, or gives feedback. It's nice to know people out there are actually reading this, & some of you understand. I've since downloaded a lot more apps for my iPhone, so there are heaps of things to keep me occupied when I can't sleep, am bored during the day, or want to multi task... Watch tv & use an iPhone. =p Also, is it just me, or are The Killers mentioned in the song "Boys Boys Boys" by Lady GaGa? I could swear they are. Then again, I have ME/CFS induced brain fog!! Hope anyone who reads this is well... Or as well as possible. =)

iPhone!!!!

iPhone!!!!
I got an iPhone today!! I'm so excited!!! It's a black, 32GB iPhone. It's awesome, but I only spent about 10mins using it; then I put a protective screen cover on it, & you're supposed to wait 12hrs before you turn it on. I put it on at 2.50pm. It's now 4.30pm, so I may just wait 6hrs. That way I can load some apps on to it tonight! One of my friends recommended Echofon for a Twitter app, & suggested I get a Facebook app. Any other suggestions for games/apps I should get? My brother loves something called "Doodle jump" ... Or something. Don't quote me on that. There's also a horrific app where you can kill a cartoon bunny. As a 13-year-old boy, he loves that app. lol.
It took a lot of persuasion, from me & my mum, but my father finally caved in; we ended his contract a couple of months early, paid an exit fee, then used my sim card for the iPhone, so I've still got the same number, just my father has the more expensive plan. =o (His is a $39 cap + $14 for the iPhone per month, mine is a $29 cap + $8 of 500MB internet/data use per month.) My mum argued that seeing as I'm up all hours, & am at home, don't cost much (you know, I don't go out, so no expensive shoes, dresses, concert tickets, whatever) it'd be a great thing to occupy me. Plus I deserve it. =p And a lot of my friends have them. When it was first released, my contract had expired, but my father said it was too expensive to get. (It was, it was probably a $69 cap per month + $$ for the iPhone!) So now it's cheaper, I have less to think about, like if I forget my iPod, I have my iPhone, & I don't have to constantly restart my phone to get access to internet at 3am. It can access the home wi-fi. =D I can't wait to find out all the features & apps I can get!!

Maths...
I had tutoring at 9.30am today, last night I went on a Starlight escape to a comedian's show, & I didn't get to sleep until about 1.40am, woke at 6am, & didn't sleep again. So I went on Twitter, complained. (As always! =p) Then after a few hours I got up, took my meds, had a shower, had breakfast & got ready. I went pretty well; we've nearly finished week 7, so I'm up to date in that sense, but as for the SEND tasks, I'm up to... Week 5, which I've just started. My SAC should arrive on Monday, & I have all week to do it, (well, I only have 50mins for it, but I can do it any day, or over a few days) & tutoring is on the weekend, when we'll start on week 8. I just hope I can catch up to week 7 before next weekend. I did ring my teacher. (Well, my mum rang my teacher, who called me.) She said I can do half the SEND tasks if I want, use my calculator, & skip the analysis questions, unless I think I can do them quickly. I just need to send in enough work from each week to show that I grasp the concepts. I really do wish my work hadn't been so late. It's not like I need any more stress!

Doctor Who
The Easter episode of Doctor Who is airing on iView (on the ABC's site) on the 16/04, & it's on tv on the 18/04!! I'm really interested. I want to see what sort of a Doctor Matt Smith will be, & I'm willing to give him a decent chance. But David Tennant will always be my Doctor! I've heard he's quite quirky, which sounds good. A Doctor like Christopher Eccleston's takes a lot of adjustment. But he could be funny, at times, which I liked.
I downloaded a whole lot of awesome desktops/backgrounds/wallpapers the other night; all of the 10th Doctor. I picked the ones that look amazing, or mean something to me, because of the image or the quote. They've got great imagery with quotes & all sorts of things! It's amazing how much great stuff is on Google images. Other wallpapers are just awesome because it's the 10th Doctor. =p

Pain...
I'm in more pain, my back is pretty bad today because I haven't slept enough, haven't spent any time lying down since 8.30am, & have done a lot today. I went to one store nearby to get the protective screen cover & case for my iPhone, then went to the big shopping centre to get the iPhone. The main store had sold out (within 2hrs of me phoning) but the kiosk on the next level had some, so that was good. It was a lot of walking, though. Improving my posture hasn't improved my pain yet; it's still getting worse, & it's migrating. It used to always be severe lower back pain that radiated up my spine, now it can be in the middle of my spine or even in my neck. Or just my whole back & spine. It's really hard to cope with. Also, I had blurred vision the other night, which scared me, because it hasn't happened since I was on the Gabapentin. It went away eventually, & I still managed to do some maths hw, which was good. =)

Hello?
I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, because I'm not getting any comments... Seriously, I don't mind whether it's a recommendation for apps, how to layout my blog, or your experiences with ME/CFS; anything positive/constructive, really. I'm happy to hear it! I hope I am reaching someone, rather than just blogging for no reason.

Busy & stressed!

My past week:
On the 27/03 & 28/03 I had two hours of Maths tutoring each day to catch up; I'd missed the previous week's session because I went to see a movie with a friend, & it was my birthday that weekend. One of the worst ever. So it took me a while to recover from that. (In fact, I'm not sure I have recovered yet.)
On the 30/03 I had a dentist's appointment, which was exhausting & I also got my iPod fixed & looked at Sportsgirl.
Then on the 31/03 I had my first personal training session at the gym, which went well, but I was incredibly exhausted as my younger brother had a friend & the friend's younger brother at our place all day.
The next day (01/04) I had a hair cut/colour & it took a few hours, but it was nice to get out of the house & do something that didn't involve ME/CFS for once. Then I noticed a sale at Cotton On & the Bonds outlet, so I bought a loose top that matches my pajamas for $5 from Cotton On, a jacket & long sleeve t-shirt from the Bonds outlet. Then I was exhausted.
On Sunday (04/03) I went to the footy after an awful weekend, thanks to my father. I had a good time with my half-brother from Germany, his girlfriend & my family. (Excluding my father.) After the footy match we went to the Hilton to have a coffee & some snacks, then caught a taxi home.

My further exhaustion & feelings of being overwhelmed:
I got back at about 9.50pm last night, & had to shower & wash, dry, straighten my hair & do my Methods hw which I'd been too busy or wiped out to do all week. I've finally got all of week 1 ready to send in, & all of week 2 except for 1 question. Just 5 more weeks of work to be completed by the 11/04 & I'm set. Then I have a SAC the first week of term, but I'm allowed to take rest breaks, etc. plus my mum is supervising me. So that should quell some of my nerves/panic attacks/anxiety about exams/tests/SACs. I hope.

Sleep: (or lack thereof)
It's 4am & I haven't slept yet. My body is keeping me awake, despite the fact I've taken my meds, because it knows I have tutoring at 1pm, & my body thinks I'll oversleep. It's stupid. I need sleep for tutoring, so my body ensures I don't sleep before tutoring. It's torture & a waste of my valuable meds! I'm going to go insane from lack of sleep. I either get to sleep by 4am & wake every 10mins or get to sleep by 8am & wake every 30mins. Both are exhausting, both cannot be classified as sleep, & no one can help me. I'm on my own here. I've tried everything & nothing helps. Exercise seems to make it worse, stress obviously does & I'm stressed out of my mind.

So busy & so desperate to sleep:
I need to get to sleep!!! My half-brother from Germany & his girlfriend are coming over after tutoring for an early dinner & also so they can tell us about their trip through central Australia. I must study, I must pass, I must get a good mark, & I must return to school next year. The isolation is awful & so is being stuck at home. I just want the energy & ability to escape for a few days. I'm not coping anymore.

Expect another post soon, unless I get too sick to use my laptop again!

STRESS!!

Distance education...
My mum rang up the Year 12 co-ordinator for distance education during the week, to ask when I'd be getting a schedule, or some SACs, etc. I then found out I was 7 weeks behind, & the start pack (coursebooks, guides, CD-ROM, etc.) had been sent to us in FEBRUARY, but never arrived. Fail. So I got hyper stressed & had a panic attack. It wasn't until my teacher called me the next day (the 24th) & I explained what I'd covered that I found out I wasn't really 7 weeks behind, I was just missing some key areas: graphs, because they hadn't been covered in the textbook yet. So she said to do the 'send' exercises, & if I had any problems, to look at the coursebooks & explanations, then call/email her if I needed further clarification. The thick coursebook is divided in to weeks (as in weeks of a term) & each week you  need to do all the exercises & refer to the thinner coursebook for algebra consolidation exercises & send in the 'send' algebra review exercise(s) & the 'send' work at the end of the chapter. The 'send' at the end of the chapter is 2 - 3 pages long, usually, & there are looooong analysis questions, too. I've nearly finished all of weeks 1 & 2, & have made a start on week 3. I also emailed my teacher to find out how many of the 'send' exercises I need to complete & send in. Otherwise it's waaaaaay too much work for a 2 week holiday break. So stressful!! ... This is a pic of all the work that arrived: http://twitpic.com/1ae3ep

Another virus...
I caught another virus last Monday, probably because when mum went to the gym, her personal trainer was really sick, so I caught it, as I have a really low immune system. (EBV + ME/CFS + secondary infection = low immune system) It was awful. I felt like I usually do (chills, running a fever, aches & pains, headache) but 100x worse & I had a really sore throat that just wouldn't go away, plus I had 'the sniffles'. Badly. I'm still feeling a bit under the weather now, but my tutor noticed the difference in my appearance on Sunday, as opposed to on Saturday. (I'd improved; my voice was more normal.) Imagine if she'd seen me on Wednesday! =o

Flu vaccinations...
I can't get the 'flu shot, because it lays me low, or makes me exhausted/sick for at least 1.5 weeks afterwards. That's a luxury I cannot afford in Year 12. Seeing as I'm practically housebound, I don't need the vaccination, plus with a low immune system, it's recommended in a lot of countries that you shouldn't get the swine flu vaccination unless you work/study, etc. in high-risk areas, like schools, or hospitals. So I may have to get it next year, but I'll ensure I get it on the hols. No reason to fall behind in SACs & work if it can be avoided. I really hope there is a "next year", though. I want to go back to school & graduate so badly that I can't quite explain it in words! I just have to improve & must graduate. Then I can stress about uni. (lol!)

The week ahead...
If all goes well, I'm going to the gym (to see a personal trainer, finally) on Wednesday afternoon, having my hair cut Thursday afternoon, & possibly going to Ikea to get a new wardrobe. Possibly. (I also don't know if we have to get my shelf taken down so the wardrobe will fit. My current wardrobe doesn't fit all my stuff, & isn't great.) Then on Saturday, I have maths tutoring again in the afternoon. (I had it Saturday, and today this week, to make up for last week's missed lesson.) I love Ikea's cafeteria. Particularly the free refills for soft drinks. =D It'd be a nice outing.

Colds.

A cold after a few hours out...
After I went shopping I managed to catch a cold/virus. I've been sick all week, with chills, a fever, sore throat, no appetite & loads of aches & pains. I did a bit of my Methods homework, but I'm finding it really difficult. I'll ask my tutor to go through it again on Monday. I figure I'll be completely exhausted for a while afterwards, but I just can't afford it. If only I'd got this bug on the holidays!

Methods & the future...
I'm finding Methods more difficult every week. I really hope I can get okay grades, but it's a struggle to just do the homework. I'm not sure how I'm meant to return to school again next year, for two subjects, but I try not to think about that. I need to get through Year 12. It's not like I got ME/CFS after high school, or after uni. Right now, I have no qualifications. That's hard to live with, especially with all my friends now at uni.

Exhaustion & stress...
I'm incredibly stressed, & that doesn't help, but it's scary to contemplate being stuck in bed & the same house for the rest of your life. I still don't sleep well. I found a letter from my GP saying that at age 11 I was complaining of getting to sleep at around 11pm - 12am & waking at 3am, staying awake for a few hours. So that's at least 8 years' worth of sleep disturbances. I can't imagine what it's done to my memory, etc. I just hope it's reversible. I don't want to get any worse... Anyway, I'm too tired to write any more, so I guess that's it. =\

I fail at Maths.

Maths homework...
I tried to do my Methods homework during the week, but the two nights I was able to do so, my younger brother had homework. He took 4 hours to do it. It's his first year of high school, so he's not used to homework, being assigned books, having a diary/planner, etc. So I had to do nearly all of it on Saturday. I did most of it, but ran into trouble with a few questions. I misread one question to do with polynomials, and expanded it, instead of giving the number of terms in the equation or something. So that's a fail. Then, I spent HOURS doing another binomial expansion question (it actually needed expanding) only to find I had the wrong answer. So I showed my tutor yesterday, she looked at the answer for a minute, & went: "They wrote it the opposite way! See, we'll go through it, I bet you got it right!" I did. I just fail for not checking how my textbook decides to write solutions.

Maths tutoring...
So yesterday we covered 1.2 (Systems of linear equations) & began 1.3 (Algebra of exponential & logarithmic functions) in my textbook. Systems of linear equations in two unknowns, parallel & coincident lines, simultaneous linear equtions in more than two unknowns, matrix representation of systems of linear equations, inconsistent systems & laws of logarithms & changing the base of logarithms. (The last two were from 1.3) I found it harder than last week, but my tutor thinks I'm still doing well, it's just that I always assume I'm wrong with my working out or answers, so I waste more time, & get anxious, too. I'm a perfectionist, which isn't good when Maths isn't your strong suit. I think my brain took most of it in. I really hope it did; I just know that I was wiped out & so was my tutor after 2.5 hours of Methods! I have quite a lot of homework again, plus some extra in case I "get bored." I'm not sure that I'll become bored enough to do that homework! =P I plan to copy out the notes & examples into my new exercise book on Tuesday, as per last week. Hopefully I can make a start on the homework, then, too.

New clothes...
So I'm planning to go & get a new pair of jeans & some t-shirts tomorrow. It hinges on whether I sleep well, & my pain levels when I get up at 11am... ish. I realised that a lot of my t-shirts were black/worn, & I've had nearly all of them for 2+ years! (Except for the 3 I bought at the Bonds outlet.) My jeans are two years old, & they are wearing thin, so it's best to get another pair before my jeans actually wear out! Plus I like buying things, it doesn't matter how small. It could be some nice pens, or a hat, anything, really, because it gets me out of the house & takes my mind off my disability.

Finally...
I guess that's about it. Not much happens in my life, apart from study. I tried to watch the new episode of Skins, but can't get it to play past 43mins, the episode is 46mins long. I'm hoping I haven't missed much. I figure I can catch up next week! I'm getting consistently worse, so my mum will try to make an "emergency" appointment with my specialist. We have a lot to discuss. I'm worried about my brain, & how it will function if I improve or ever recover. How does it recover from years & years of sleep deprivation? I know my memory is getting worse; I can have my house keys in my hand, but not remember what they're called, or what they do when I'm having a really bad day. Or else my eyes ache, I feel like I've got the flu, & my spine has excruciating pain radiating outwards, & upwards unless I lie down in bed or sleep. No painkiller will dull the pain enough for me to function. I just have to get myself together, get referrals, & sort some of this crap out. Anyway, that's about it from me, I'm going to try & sleep now!

Maths

Maths tutoring...
So, I had maths tutoring for the first time since last May, the whole 2.5hrs, and it went pretty well. Still on the first chapter, but it's slow work. Particularly the binomial expansions & Pascal's triangle. (Curse you, binomial expansions!! Pascal's triangle, too, so damn confusing!) I was doing really well (as my tutor said to me & my mum) particularly as I remembered polynomial division, without having revised it. I like polynomial division, when it's not a complex equation, it's almost relaxing. Like simple algebra, you can just do it almost without thinking. Or like me talking about my illness in German. Becoming second nature, lol. So 1.1 is "Algebra of polynomials", and I covered the remainder & factor theorems, long division of polynomials & factorisation, equality of polynomials, solution of polynomial equations, equations reducible to quadratics, equations involving higher degree polynomials & Pascal's triangle & binomial expansions. Then it's on to 1.2 next week: "Systems of simultaneous linear equations"... With matrices, yay.

Stationery & payback time...
I have one notebook from last year for notes & working out, but then I copy out the examples & notes into a new notebook, in nice colours. (Scents, too, they're Smiggle pens.) That should help me remember more of the equations! Methods is blue, so it's a blue display book, blue exercise books, blue pencil case & butterfly binder folder. My hand was soooooo sore after tutoring, though. I haven't really needed to use a pen for more than 10mins since my November exam! Of course, my back was killing me, too, as punishment for getting up early, (woke at 6am, didn't sleep again) studying & sitting upright. I expected it, & I don't think it was as bad as it could've been. I took Nurofen before tutoring, for a headache, which dulled the pain a little. Then I had to turn to my Panadeine Forte, which I ration incredibly strictly. I should really get a referral to an orthopedic surgeon for my back pain & scoliosis; I saw one when I was 9, but haven't seen one since. Everyone goes "Oh, you have ME/CFS" ... And dismisses the pain.

A new routine?
I'm considering trying to get up each day between 11am & midday, & trying an afternoon nap to catch up on sleep, then trying to go without the nap. I'll find out which works best, because I've found sleep hygeine & sleep regimes to be a bunch of BS. They didn't help, they made me worse, or had no effect, no matter how many months I stuck at it. I've got an appointment at the gym for my personal training session on Thursday afternoon, which I can hopefully attend. I need a new pair of jeans & some t-shirts; so that's another reason to get out of the house! I'm going to try to go out as often as I can, I'm going stir-crazy without school, not being able to catch up with friends, all of the stuff that comes with ME/CFS. Even if it's just down the street to go to a cafe for a drink with my mum, that'll do. It's awful being stuck indoors. Even if there's really good shows on tv.

The 10th Doctor, gone...
Last night was the second part of the "End Of Time" specials. David Tennant's Doctor regenerated. Into Matt Smith. I am debating between giving the guy a go as a Doctor (by that, I mean 1 episode) or refusing to accept that David Tennant has left, & reliving the series on DVD. Repeatedly. I like the sound of the latter... I heard a rumour they're changing the TARDIS, to go with a changed Doctor. I'm sorry, but YOU CANNOT DO THAT!!! It's the TARDIS, the blue police box, & it will not work any other way. On a similar note, why couldn't David Tennant have stayed for another year or two? Just 'till I graduated from high school. It was nice knowing I could escape for about an hour, once a week, with an eccentric character like the 10th Doctor. (Who reminds my mother of the 4th Doctor, Tom Baker!)

Is there some comfort despite the 10th Doctor being gone?
There's supposed to be another series of Torchwood on it's way, or in the works... That's a little comfort, I guess. But Captain Jack Harkness is no 10th Doctor. Plus, after all that happened in 'Children Of Earth', how will Torchwood continue, exactly? Will it suck, like The OC after they wrote Marissa Cooper out of it? Hope not. Also, I like to consider myself as someone who isn't obsessed with looks, but... Matt Smith, 11th Doctor? Where's the quirkiness, the looks, a cool outfit? (Damn, that trenchcoat the 10th Doctor wore was so cool. I would totally wear one. If I wasn't so short, housebound & didn't live in a country that doesn't require trenchcoats!) I loved the 10th Doctor on sight. I had to take an episode or two to like the 9th Doctor, but he's still a bit too serious & military-ish for my liking. Just... I don't know if it's because I'm attached to the 10th Doctor that I hate the 11th, or it's actually because I hate the 11th. Just because. *mildly confused*

Skins. Yes, again.
At least there's still Skins. Thankfully. I finally watched episode 4 last night; it took me trying at least 10 links, none of them working past the 6 minute mark, but I tried the first link again. It worked, though it took several hours to load. I pause, then wait for the whole episode (or most of it) to load, then watch. I'm interested as to what will happen with series 5 & 6... Will they use Freddie's younger sister, & introduce her friends? The way Effy was introduced in series 1 & 2, only to become a lead character in series 3 & 4? Can't wait until series 4 comes out on DVD, or airs in Australia. It'll be in much better quality than online streaming!!

And, finally, back to ME/CFS...
I know that if I can sleep for more than an hour at a time & get 5+ hours' of sleep per night, my memory will improve, as will my ability to learn new things. This will, of course, be of immense help for my Methods exams at the end of the year. Either way, I hope to manage something around a 37 (scaled) & to do better in my Humanities & Literature subjects next year. Maybe a 40 for Lit, a 38 for Legal Studies? It all depends on my illness. I know I could get all marks in the 40's if I wasn't sick. There's no question about that. I'm sick of my life being defined & dictated by this illness that so many people see as fake. Right now, it's the lack of sleep & pain that is driving me insane. I could cope with one or the other, but they go hand-in-hand. It makes for fun times. I hope I start to improve soon. I don't know if I can get any worse, & I do not want to find out.

Time to stress!

Yep, it's officially time to stress. Distance ed is starting really soon. So is maths tutoring. And my mum and I are in the middle of filling out the distance education enrolment forms. Just got to figure out how to phrase my reasons for choosing distance ed. Obviously disability, but I need to convey the severity.

I've got my textbooks, folders, exercise books and necessary stationery. It's all labelled, too! (I must remember to buy spare batteries for my calculator...) Also arranged tutoring for the soonest date I could - 21/02; this Sunday is Chinese New Year, so the following one is best for my tutor. It's at 11am, but thankfully at home, not at the uni. I'd die if I had to get up at 10am, eat, dress, pack my books/meds/money AND get to the uni! So I guess I can get up at around 10.30, have something that won't induce severe nausea, but will keep me going for 2.5hrs, and get dressed. I hope it won't be hot, though. The uni has better a/c than my house.

I really miss school. Getting up a few days a week, putting on my uniform, and seeing kids. I know I'm too sick for it, but I still feel envious and upset when I see kids (even my brother) coming home from school, or leaving in the mornings.... I'm back to doing a bit of weight-bearing exercise, because I'll need stronger arms to carry my bag to school next year, and my books/laptop to classes. I'm thinking about seeing a personal trainer again, to get out of the house, have some structure, and hopefully improve my level of tolerance for activity and exercise related pain.

It's summery weather again, there were two days where it was less than 25*c, but now it's going to be 31*c+ for most of the week. Today is 35*c, I think. My sleep is totally screwed. I slept from 2am-5am, then got 20mins rest/sleep between 6am and 7.30am. I stayed up until nearly 10am, and had breakfast, then went back to bed, and managed to sleep again. 11am-1pm. If someone could just treat my sleep, they'd be treating my pain, nausea, and so many of my other symptoms. Right now I'm not coping with this amount of sleep. I can barely listen to music anymore, I can't go on Facebook chat, and watching DVDs is about all I can do. Interrupted sleep is killing me. I'd rather 4hrs' straight sleep a night than 8hrs' waking every 15mins.

I hope I meet new friends next year, and I really hope I can get out of the house enough this year. I've never liked shopping, but even buying CDs, or looking at sales is infinitely better than being house-bound. I guess it's back to watching Skins now. I'm in the middle of series 3. =)