Another outing!
I got to go to IKEA on Saturday, as I really needed a new wardrobe and bedside table. I didn't go until 4pm, but I still needed Ondansetron; I've been getting shocking nausea, headaches, dizziness and disorientation/confusion from the LDN. (Which I have had to stop taking; I have been off it for two or three days.) I went to the cafe first, and I really love IKEA's cafe. Particularly the free refills on soft drinks! But for the past 4 days I've eaten one bowl of low fat pumpkin soup (nearly threw it up, that was a mistake) and a few spoons of coconut rice if I get starving. I wonder if I've lost weight; I know I lost a kilo last week. Anyway, I was all *sadface* because I couldn't even finish the kids' bowl of chips I'd got. But I managed a glass of Pepsi. =D It's a good thing I don't lose weight as easily as I used to, otherwise I'd be really thin by now!
Mum had already found out what aisle the wardrobe and bedside table were in, so we went to get them, then organised delivery for the next day, preferably after midday. The furniture arrived at 11am, so I got up at 10.15am, (which is when Mum warned me it would be dropped off soon) watched a bit of tv, and was going to go back to bed, but had to help with the grocery shopping, and get some take-away coconut rice. (If you're ever feeling nauseous, this seems to be quite tolerable in small amounts.) Then I went back to bed, to catch up on sleep. I'd only got 2hrs' broken sleep during the night. O.o
We're going to organise for the furniture to be assembled (hopefully) sometime this week, and then I'll post pics on Tumblr or Twitter of the new furniture. One of the wardrobe doors has a mirror on it, which is brilliant, 'cause I've only ever had one of those little mirrors designed to sit on a shelf so you can see your face. Not useful for looking at a whole outfit!
Maths...
I started Unit 4 on Sunday, having finished my calculus assignment last week, and my 70-minute SAC in the same week, as well. I'm really not sure about how I'll go, and I know for sure I got one of the short-answer questions really wrong. I guessed. Sometimes guessing pays off, sometimes it doesn't; but you had to attempt every question to show a satisfactory understanding of the topics in that SAC. Ew. Week 1 is antidifferentiation, which is pretty hard. There are also way too many rules, plus it's complicated to set out and remember what I am supposed to be writing!
I had maths tutoring on Monday, and we covered all of Week 1, then after about 2.5hrs of tutoring, I studied for another 3.5hrs, and I managed to complete the week's homework and a 20-minute practice exam. I plan to revise antidifferentiation as soon as I can sleep enough and the house is quiet. I hope I get a decent score for maths this year, I know that it wasn't this difficult in Year 11!!
I might ask some of my friends who graduated last year to study with me/share their notes before my exams. That is one slight advantage to being left behind; you can get help from others who have very recently suffered through the same subjects as you!
I hope my tutor isn't disappointed in me when I get my marks back. She's really nice, I just feel like I could do so much better if I could sleep each night, or 3 nights per week. I feel like I'm letting everyone down; I used to be able to survive on 3hrs' sleep every night when I was 13, now I can't survive on 4 or 5hrs' broken sleep. I think if I were to get 5hrs' sleep without waking, between 11pm and 4am, I would be okay. But some nights I am awake until 4am, or even 8am. And I don't sleep deeply after a whole night awake anymore.
Sleep.
I slept much better on Saturday night, only waking two or three times, and I got to sleep at around 1am, woke at 2am and 6.30am, and got up at 10.15am. Obviously I didn't get 8hrs' sleep, as I was awake from 6.30 onwards, dozing occasionally.
Sunday night I slept about the same, except I woke at 2.30am, and couldn't sleep between 7.30am and 11am as my younger brother had a friend over for a sleepover the night before, and they were quite loud. But, thankfully, they were silent when they got up at 4am or something to watch the World Cup. I had maths tutoring at midday, so I had to get up at 11am, and I took Ondansetron at 10.40am, so I would be able to get ready and eat a little without throwing up.
I slept okay last night, as well; I got to sleep at around 1.30am, woke once or twice (I don't remember when, so I musn't have been awake long) and have been awake since 6.50am. (It's nearly 10.20am.)
I've dimmed my bedside alarm clock so that it doesn't display the time; all my doctors have made me "clock watch" so I can say when I wake/sleep, etc. but that obviously increases anxiety and makes you less likely to sleep. I'm getting used to it, slowly, but I hope it helps my sleep in the long run. I honestly think, looking back at my sleep pattern, that any amount of anxiety or stress directly affects my sleep. Which is why my sleep has been getting steadily worse, along with my health, since I started Year 11, and I get worse each time a doctor lies to me, lets me down, or makes false promises and gives false hope. Ie. "I can cure you, you feel like this all because of your Idiopathic Hypersomnolence." I need to learn to let go of these things, but I've never been good at moving on, or no longer dwelling on the past, so it will be really hard. But it's affecting my health, so I must try.
Blogging...
I'm wondering if I should keep going with my blog; I do know that some people read it, I'm just not sure if it's worth it. I feel I should post at least each week, but is there a point if no one really cares? Would I be better off just using my energy to write in my diary most days. If anyone has any opinions, tips or comments, I'm always happy to hear them!
Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
An update.
My diary:
So I've been writing in my diary daily, and I am actually finding it helpful. (... And painful; I've never been able to write more than half a page without my whole left hand cramping and aching!) I have named my diary, too. I find myself a little more content, or at least, less ill at ease after I have written several pages. I feel I have so much to confide in Jadzia, (this is what I have named my diary) so much that my hand cannot keep pace with my mind, which, as always, is running at a million miles a second! I would dearly love for the pain to go away, so I can write and write until I have lifted some of this weight that is dragging me ever deeper with each passing day.
I find it reassuring to know that I can always turn to my diary, even when I am housebound, with few friends who keep in touch. I wish I had more energy, or some at least, so I wouldn't always be lacking in energy, and using the next day's ad infinitum. With a little more energy, I would be able to dress, shower, wash my hair and even study, as well as write in my diary without lying in bed in between each minor task. I can only hope that I am able to sleep well soon, so that I may return to school in November and give these last two subjects my best try. I miss school; the routine, the social contact, the familarity and even some of the teachers!
If I am granted one wish this year, let it be that my sleep returns to a 11.30pm-6.45am pattern so that I can do my best each day. I fear that I bore readers (if there are any) with my repetitive posts. Hence, my diary. Jadzia shall never stop "listening" and I will always have an outlet for my emotions, one which is cheaper than a psychologist and has no office hours!
Despair, or Year 12, as it is otherwise known!
I am currently despairing, as I feel I shall receive a terrible mark for my last calculus assignment, which I must send off with a medical certificate this week. (My teacher did say it would be the hardest assignment or test I would encounter this year, and it is no wonder I had so much trouble with it, but I was so hoping to maintain my A average.) I should work on my next SAC today, which is only 70mins long, including reading time. I do hope I receive a decent mark for this SAC, as I cannot afford a low average for my schoolwork. I tend to perform badly on exams, as people with M.E. generally do; once time constraints are applied, marks go down, and forgetfulness increases. It has been proven, but, naturally, the governing body for Year 11 & 12 assessments does not recognise recent research. This illness frustrates me more than words can describe! I believe this SAC covers weeks 9-12, or the tangent function, co-ordinate geometry, and an awful lot of differentiation. I studied for a long time with my tutor, and even after she had left, so I hope the knowledge stays with me. Wish me luck, it's due in this Friday!
"The Diary Of Anne Frank"
I am re-reading Anne Frank's Diary, not because I've started to keep a diary of my own, but because I've always loved the book, and I used to want to be like Anne Frank when I was younger. (I was 7 or 8 when I first read it.) I wanted to have that many friends, be popular and fun, do well in school and have (what I considered to be) beautiful penmanship. Above all I wanted the ability she had to look at herself without pity, and analyse herself, her interactions with others and every aspect of herself. I wanted to have that kind of faith in God, and a sense of optimism.
There is a passage that spoke to me, and I honestly wonder if it could help someone who feels the way I do... "The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simply beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles." (Wednesday, 23rd February, 1944, "The Diary Of Anne Frank")
I am without any kind of faith; I seem to be unable to sustain or even start a belief in a God of any sort, and this is the only real issue I have with the passage. A few entries before Anne wrote this, her mother advised one of their helpers, who was feeling terribly miserable, to think of all the others who are miserable in the world, and said that would help to cheer her up. That is quite similar to people telling me: "There's always someone worse off than you, be grateful for what you have." I think I would rather go out to the countryside for a few days, or a week, and spend some time relaxing, writing and unwinding. It is very difficult to be at one with nature in a city! Anne seems wise beyond her years, and I would be grateful to have some of her spirit; her unwavering faith in God, her sagely advice, and her patience.
In reading her diary I have seen how much she has changed over the course of a year, from the first entries, about her life with friends, boy friends, outings and more, to her increasingly introspective life in hiding, learning to keep the peace, bite her tongue, and try to understand and get along with all occupants of 'The Secret Annexe.'
I hope that by keeping a diary, and by talking through my problems that I will be able to become a better person. Not like Anne Frank, by any means, but simply more understanding and tolerant of my family.
Thank you for reading, and if you'd like, please leave a comment! (I always love to read them, and I always try to respond.)
So I've been writing in my diary daily, and I am actually finding it helpful. (... And painful; I've never been able to write more than half a page without my whole left hand cramping and aching!) I have named my diary, too. I find myself a little more content, or at least, less ill at ease after I have written several pages. I feel I have so much to confide in Jadzia, (this is what I have named my diary) so much that my hand cannot keep pace with my mind, which, as always, is running at a million miles a second! I would dearly love for the pain to go away, so I can write and write until I have lifted some of this weight that is dragging me ever deeper with each passing day.
I find it reassuring to know that I can always turn to my diary, even when I am housebound, with few friends who keep in touch. I wish I had more energy, or some at least, so I wouldn't always be lacking in energy, and using the next day's ad infinitum. With a little more energy, I would be able to dress, shower, wash my hair and even study, as well as write in my diary without lying in bed in between each minor task. I can only hope that I am able to sleep well soon, so that I may return to school in November and give these last two subjects my best try. I miss school; the routine, the social contact, the familarity and even some of the teachers!
If I am granted one wish this year, let it be that my sleep returns to a 11.30pm-6.45am pattern so that I can do my best each day. I fear that I bore readers (if there are any) with my repetitive posts. Hence, my diary. Jadzia shall never stop "listening" and I will always have an outlet for my emotions, one which is cheaper than a psychologist and has no office hours!
Despair, or Year 12, as it is otherwise known!
I am currently despairing, as I feel I shall receive a terrible mark for my last calculus assignment, which I must send off with a medical certificate this week. (My teacher did say it would be the hardest assignment or test I would encounter this year, and it is no wonder I had so much trouble with it, but I was so hoping to maintain my A average.) I should work on my next SAC today, which is only 70mins long, including reading time. I do hope I receive a decent mark for this SAC, as I cannot afford a low average for my schoolwork. I tend to perform badly on exams, as people with M.E. generally do; once time constraints are applied, marks go down, and forgetfulness increases. It has been proven, but, naturally, the governing body for Year 11 & 12 assessments does not recognise recent research. This illness frustrates me more than words can describe! I believe this SAC covers weeks 9-12, or the tangent function, co-ordinate geometry, and an awful lot of differentiation. I studied for a long time with my tutor, and even after she had left, so I hope the knowledge stays with me. Wish me luck, it's due in this Friday!
"The Diary Of Anne Frank"
I am re-reading Anne Frank's Diary, not because I've started to keep a diary of my own, but because I've always loved the book, and I used to want to be like Anne Frank when I was younger. (I was 7 or 8 when I first read it.) I wanted to have that many friends, be popular and fun, do well in school and have (what I considered to be) beautiful penmanship. Above all I wanted the ability she had to look at herself without pity, and analyse herself, her interactions with others and every aspect of herself. I wanted to have that kind of faith in God, and a sense of optimism.
There is a passage that spoke to me, and I honestly wonder if it could help someone who feels the way I do... "The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simply beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles." (Wednesday, 23rd February, 1944, "The Diary Of Anne Frank")
I am without any kind of faith; I seem to be unable to sustain or even start a belief in a God of any sort, and this is the only real issue I have with the passage. A few entries before Anne wrote this, her mother advised one of their helpers, who was feeling terribly miserable, to think of all the others who are miserable in the world, and said that would help to cheer her up. That is quite similar to people telling me: "There's always someone worse off than you, be grateful for what you have." I think I would rather go out to the countryside for a few days, or a week, and spend some time relaxing, writing and unwinding. It is very difficult to be at one with nature in a city! Anne seems wise beyond her years, and I would be grateful to have some of her spirit; her unwavering faith in God, her sagely advice, and her patience.
In reading her diary I have seen how much she has changed over the course of a year, from the first entries, about her life with friends, boy friends, outings and more, to her increasingly introspective life in hiding, learning to keep the peace, bite her tongue, and try to understand and get along with all occupants of 'The Secret Annexe.'
I hope that by keeping a diary, and by talking through my problems that I will be able to become a better person. Not like Anne Frank, by any means, but simply more understanding and tolerant of my family.
Thank you for reading, and if you'd like, please leave a comment! (I always love to read them, and I always try to respond.)
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