A distraction!

Shopping trip:
On Monday I went to our local shopping precinct, which is basically a street filled with different stores and cafes, etc. First I went to Smiggle, and bought a really cute pencil case and a weekly planner for my return to school, plus some more fine liner pens in different colours to use on my maths cheatsheets and for school, too. Then I went to look at Portmans, and they still have some lovely jewellery! I found a necklace and bracelet and a bag; they'll all go perfectly with the summery floral dress I bought earlier. I bought some other necklaces from Portmans. I also had a look at Sportsgirl, but their jewellery wasn't very nice, and I couldn't see anything I needed. I looked in Priceline for nail polishes before I went home, and I bought a fuchsia, a sparkly turquoise, and a shimmery pearlescent colour. I redid my nails in the turquoise that night, and the colour really cheers me up! It's amazing how much little things can improve your mood when you're really ill.


I saw quite a few things that I loved at Portmans, but I don't need them, so there's no point in buying them! I did see a lovely sequined bolero jacket and an adorable (yet modest) formal dress in their catalogue, so after exams I'll go in and try them on. The jacket is thin, so it'll be ideal for Valedictory, which is in summer. I've got a dress already, and it'll match. The dress is at the tailor's, 'cause I need to get some sleeves/straps put on it. I'm just not comfortable in a strapless dress. I'm going to see if I can use my savings for the dress; I think it'd be nice to have a second classic dress that never goes out of style!

So, here are the purchases! (Apologies for iPhone picture quality.)

These are from Smiggle:

My new pencil case!
It has press studs in
the middle, so there
are three sections



My pencil case opened.
There are two outside
zipper sections, plus the
one in the middle.

  

     

My new weekly planner.
I love the pattern!



The inside of my weekly planner.
I can use it next year, 'cause it doesn't
have dates, only days of the week.



And here's the jewellery and bag from Portmans:  



The necklace and bracelet that go with
my summery floral dress



A close-up of the bracelet





   







The bag I got to match my bracelet, necklace and summery dress!

 

This necklace has dark
blue beads and leaves
around it. It's quite long



I love this one, almost as
much as the one with
the charms!





  





I love the charms!

These are the nail polishes I bought from Priceline. I'm wearing the turquoise one now, and I think I'll try the fuchsia next. I'm not sure about the shimmery pearlescent colour, (it probably looks white in the pic!) but it was the only nail polish that was glittery/shimmery and was a nice colour. (ie: not bronze or grey.)

I really hope I can go to David Jones soon to look at their OPI range. OPI has the greatest colours, and so many are glittery. (I've got the iPhone app!) Maybe when Orientation finishes, in December

I felt like a break from studying and revising. Also, I'm feeling kinda spaced out from my OxyNorm (at least it's working) and I'm exhausted, so I figured I'd write a blog post instead of pointless study. I have an exam on Friday at 9am (ugh) and one on Monday at 11.45am. After that, I'm free! Anyone have any tips for summery/glittery/bright OPI colours? Thanks for reading! Alex. xoxo

Update!

Hi all!
It's past midnight on Monday as I'm writing this, but as I'm wide awake, I figured I'd write a blog post.

Maths, Study & Revision:
On Saturday I had maths tutoring from 2pm-5.30pm, then studied from 5.40pm-8.50pm. I rested in bed until midnight, when I got up and decided to revise some more, and specifically, to complete all my required cheatsheets. So I worked until 3am when I developed terrible nausea (which needed Ondansetron) and a shocking headache, which became a migraine later.

I can justify writing this post because: I have completed every cheatsheet for my maths bound reference.

All that's left is a cheatsheet with examples of how to draw various graphs, etc. and choosing which solutions from past paper exams to include. I also have to ask my teacher to come out to my house to help me with my calculator; often, when I try to solve complex equations, I get an answer like: 72e^4x@5. Which is of no help whatsoever!

Terrible luck!
On Saturday 16/10, I woke with a terrible headache, and later developed severe nausea which required Ondansetron. I still completed maths tutoring and studied, but the next day I woke with a terrible virus: cough, aches, pains, fever, chills, runny/blocked nose and an upset stomach. I lost 2kg in 3 days, simply because I couldn't eat! I felt better on Friday 22/10, and had tutoring on Saturday, as previously mentioned.

Unfortunately, today I feel worse. I'd say it's a combination of things: no sleep until 8am on Sunday, due to the migraine, getting only 4hrs broken sleep, still slowly recovering from the virus, and switching meds. So the entire week I was incredibly ill, (bed bound & requiring help to move from one room to another) I was unable to do any study. Which is why I compensated by studying for 9hrs on Saturday, as mentioned above.

Unfortunately, the marathon study session means that I'll be incredibly exhausted for quite a while, but I must press on; I have many past paper exams to do. My real exams are on the 05/11/10 and the 08/11/10.

Medications:
MS Contin wasn't working very well, even at 40mg twice a day, so my doctor has switched me to OxyNorm. Would you believe that anorexia is a very common side effect of OxyNorm?! I'm already at risk, due to my disordered eating, (apparently) severely distorted body image, and my history. I went through a stage of "starving" myself. And I lost 12kgs in 8 weeks. So I think my Mum will be watching me, because although I want to get into shape, (which is impossible when I'm this ill) I don't need another illness, or more complications, or more doctors! I've been on it for a few days, and I think I'll need a higher dose; 10mg twice daily just isn't cutting it. But it's 100000000x better than MS Contin!! If only they'd give me something to sleep! ALEX. NEEDS. SLEEP. (It's nearly 4am! ... This is an edit.)
I think I'll write a second post so that these are easier to read. Please comment, if you feel so inclined; I love feedback, and it cheers me up when I'm stuck in bed to see an email saying "new comment" =) Take care. xoxo

Hi!

I'm back!
I was finally able to log on to my laptop for the first time in ages. (Seriously, the last time I could use it was when I wrote the previous blog post!) So, I guess an update first, right? Here goes:

• The goLITEBLU*** was a disaster. After two migraines that lasted 7-10 days, my sleep clinician said to try the goLITEBLU again, but if I got another long migraine, then I shouldn't keep using it. So I tried it.
• After 4 days of a migraine, my Mum decided to take me to the ER. (I didn't want to go, as I figured they wouldn't help me if MS Contin wasn't working.) I spent hours curled up on a couch, (not at a children's hospital anymore >.<) before I finally got seen by a doctor and was given a bed. I had to fight for morphine, they wanted to give me Largactil, but that causes me HEADACHES!! So I had IV re-hydration, an injection of morphine and an injection of Ondansetron. After 9hrs in the ER, including wait time, (at a private hospital!) I went home. I had McDonald's drive through on the way back, to celebrate being migraine free for the first time in nearly 2wks! ^.^
• I'm no longer using the goLITEBLU. I can't believe the sleep clinician didn't even ask if there was a family history of migraines before telling me to use it. (The brochure warns of initial nausea and headaches.) There's migraines on both sides of the family, plus my Mum, my father, younger brother and I get them!
• I got a virus the next day, (Wed, 06/10/10) so I was on bed rest for the next 5 days. Except for the Saturday, (09/10/10) when I had 3hrs of maths tutoring. I couldn't stick to my sleep routine, let alone sleep hygiene when I felt so ill!

This is really worrying me.
I'm becoming more disabled each day. I wasn't able to study until this Wednesday, and I sat my 2 hour 20mins practice exam. (Not incl. reading time of 15mins!) I finished in the allotted time, felt I couldn't take any breaks, and didn't move from the same position the whole time. It's what I do when I'm hyper-stressed. So, of course, I finish, correct it (and find I got a damn good score, considering I can barely study) and then move. And I nearly collapsed! My whole back and neck had seized up and were intensely painful, plus my left hand was cramping and shaking. I wish I could sit my maths exams on laptops; I never felt this bad after my German practice exams/real exams last year! So I had a really hot shower, which helped my chills and pain, plus I wasn't feeling so much like I had the flu by then.

I seem to feel like I've been hit with a flu as soon as I've pushed too far past my limits. It's scary; I worry every time it happens that it's an actual flu or virus! I've barely been able to get out of bed this past week. And small things, like helping out by making food for my Mum and younger brother, (they've both had a terrible flu until today) or getting myself dressed make me absolutely exhausted, dizzy and weak. And not my normal level of exhaustion; this is the sort of exhaustion that makes me wonder if I can keep living, or if I'll just end up trapped in bed. Forever.

These illnesses, their severity, and the fact that virtually no one believes that Fibromyalgia or ME/CFS exist, all terrify me. If people understood, my life would almost be worth living.


More study. Ew.
It's past 1am on Friday now, and today I really need to do cheatsheets for Linear, Quadratics, Cubics/Quartics, Higher Order Polynomials/Gallery of Graphs. I can use bits and pieces from older cheatsheets, but I do need to do a Quadratics one from scratch, and maybe redo the Linear and Cubics/Quartics one.

... But I also want need to escape my bed, and go out. I hate being sick! Words can't describe it anymore. Hm... I really, desperately need to get my fringe cut, so maybe I could look at a few stores after? I'd rather do that than wind up in heaps of pain 'cause I studied too much!

***The goLITEBLU is meant to regulate your body clock, so you sleep, wake, and eat at normal times. It also should make you "happy and energetic." It's given me migraines, Ondansetron-worthy nausea, and made me so sleepy that I've had to triple my dose of wakefulness meds, on my doctor's orders. It also made me starving all day long, but then made me feel sick as soon as I ate.

Thanks for reading! I hope I improve soon, so I can study, and maybe even blog. I'm dying to take pics and post them. (Pics of my recent purchases, including a summer-y dress!)
Alex. xoxo

Government!

Government!
Today, the Independents, Oakeshott, Windsor and Katter announced who they would be supporting to form Government. Oakeshott and Windsor are supporting Labor, along with Wilkie, and the Greens MP Adam Bandt. This gives Labor a 76-74 majority in order to form Government. Katter announced he was supporting the Coalition earlier today. I think it will be an interesting time, as having a Greens MP means that there should be more focus on key issues such as an ETS, and hopefully the rights of asylum seekers, etc.

I don't know if I've mentioned that I wrote to Julia Gillard (okay, emailed from my iPhone) about the support and research that the ME/CFS community need in Australia. Anyway, I got a response shortly before the election, in writing. Unfortunately, it wasn't from an MP, but someone who works in the Department of Health & Ageing, as the Government was in caretaker mode due to the election being called. I called the person, who was a nice guy, and he said to write again, after the election, to whoever is the relevant person, basically saying the same things. This person had pointed out that ME/CFS Australia was a useful resource, and I said it was, but we need more support, and above all, awareness. I'm going to make a request for an MP (preferably all of them) to either wear a blue or purple ribbon on May 12th. Politicians wear awareness ribbons for everything from the violence against women campaign to the bushfire relief fund. I don't think it's a big ask.

An outing:

Sunday was Father's Day, and I went out with my father and younger brother to a shopping centre, and got a new wallet, as my old one was falling apart, and also to take my father out to lunch. We went to the Pancake Parlour, and it was really busy, so I found the whole experience very tiring and overwhelming. Still I was happy with the wallet I got, and I saw a few different things in the store that I liked. I'm hoping to go back with Mum this week. Mum actually gives opinions on how something looks! Clothes shopping, etc. with my father is pointless. Like most guys, he'll say "that looks good" to anything, just so we can leave the store!

Inside view of my new Roxy wallet.

Outside view of my new Roxy wallet.

My new pink lip gloss.

I also went to a shopping centre last week with Mum, as she wanted to pick up something from the Clinique counter. I got a lip gloss, and it's a nice shade of pink. I haven't used it yet, but I looked at the testers, and it'll really suit me. It's sort of a pen-type one, you twist one end, and the lip gloss is pushed up to the brush. It's not messy, and it's easy to use.

After my Year 11 formal (2008) I got some make-up, a first for me, because back then I was practically full-time at school, and feeling really healthy. I was also keeping up 3 extra-curriculars, plus work with a charity. I used the make-up once after I bought it, for a family portrait. I've never needed it since! As it's a powder/mineral foundation, or whatever you call it, it should last for ages. So it's not like I've wasted money, I'm just annoyed I never really got to use it.


Back to school soon!
I've been in contact with my school, and I've selected Literature and Legal Studies as my two subjects for Orientation (in the last two weeks of November) and for next year. (My final year of Year 12.) I'm really looking forward to it, and the school should have reinstated my email account by now, so the prospective subject teachers will be in contact with me. (The Legal Studies teacher is the same as always, but there are two teachers who could take Lit.) The great thing is that the teachers can email me before the booklist is finalised and released, with a list of possible books. That way I can read the books, if we've got them at home. (Mum studied English Lit at uni, so we've got a massive home library.)

I hope we don't have to read Jane Austen. But I'm really looking forward to studying Shakespeare. And I'd love it if they switched Bruce Dawe's "Sometimes Gladness" collection of poetry from English to Lit. Bruce Dawe is very accessible, and has written some lovely poems. I find Shakespeare accessible and quite easy to understand, which has astounded everyone, including my Mum. You'd think the brain fog would affect my ability to process Shakespeare or poetry, but it hasn't! It's really affected my memory and attention span, though. The two teachers who might be taking Lit have both taught me before I was really ill, so they are more likely to be lenient with my homework load, marking, and already understand ME/CFS. I'll just have to explain Fibro to them. The Legal Studies teacher also taught me earlier, so that's good for the same reasons.

Also...
I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog a lot in the near future, as I have exams in the first week of November. This week I have to sit a 110min practice exam. Next week I've got the probability analysis assignment, and then I have practice exams basically every week until the end of October! I did manage to get the probability cheatsheet done, but I ended up doing it on the weekend with my maths tutor.

I've got to do a cheatsheet for every topic in maths: calculus, trigonometry, linear functions, quadratic functions, cubic functions, quartic functions, transformations & drawing of graphs, matrices, and of course, how to use my CAS calculator! I think that's about it, and luckily I've got cheatsheets to draw on from Year 10 and 11, but I have to add a lot to them; this subject gets a lot more complex in Year 12!

So, if I suddenly don't blog for a fortnight or something, the odds are I'm exhausted from study, overwhelmed from study, or can't study or do anything! (Hopefully it's one of the first two, I don't want to be too ill to study.) If anyone has study tips, or ideas on how to relax before exams, I'd love to hear them. I have sat exams before, but maths always causes more anxiety for me, as it's always been my weakness.

Thanks for reading, and I do welcome feedback! I hope I can keep blogging next year, despite the fact I'll be studying two subjects. Alex. xoxo

Our garden

Our garden:

We had some landscaping work done a while ago, those of you who follow me on Twitter will remember my complaints about the noise! Well, here are some of the results:

New garden bed, with lots of plants & flowers

The only foxglove in bloom & some other plants.

I got to choose the colours for the flowers in the garden bed pictured above and to the left. I wanted colours like white, yellow, blue, purple and pink. I don't think there were any blues, but the foxgloves are white, (I presume; the one in bloom is) and I think there are some yellows, pinks and purples, too. It'll be a surprise when all of them bloom! I must post pictures then. =D

The new decking is great, it's a lot longer than our previous one, and to the side it has wide bits of decking that are like steps, yet are big enough to sit on. Mishka had a lot of fun running up and down them, although she is a bit sad that she can't access her hiding places under the house. (The side decking steps blocked off the little entrance she uses.)

We also had some turf laid, as the grass we had was in a very sorry state due to the long drought. This year is on the way to becoming the wettest year in a long time, which explains my increased level of pain. I think this winter is much colder than last year's; I am certain our heating bills have increased exponentially!

Some of the new decking & another garden bed, with plants.

I'm really looking forward to spending some time outside, on the decking in spring or summer. I might even study on the outside dining setting! I do need to spend some time in the sun, and I plan to, as soon as I adjust to having to be up and awake during the day, and as soon as my medications work properly, and definitely when it's warmer. But the garden looks great, and I think it will cheer me up. The landscapers chose plants that don't aggravate allergies, and I haven't had any allergy flare ups in the past two days or so. *Touches wood*

Study and exams:

My TI-89 Titanium calculator.

My exams are in November, and I've a maths analysis assignment soon. This is Week 9, and I'm studying more probability. (I've got a bit of the set homework left, I'll attempt another question ASAP.) Some of it is difficult, while other parts are just a matter of following steps, or applying formulas/using a graphics calculator. Week 10 is probability again. For something different, in Week 11 I start exam revision. I have to complete a practice exam each week, and mail it. Week 12 is the probability analysis assignment. I find probability, trig and graphs to be the most difficult topics.

The page of homework for Week 9

I really need to start making some cheatsheets; I have some from Year 10 and Year 11, but because the subject has changed since then, I think I'll make lists of everything I need for each subject, step by step instructions, formulas, how to use my graphics calculator, and more. I'll also highlight different sections, and colour code them. I then have to make this into a "bound reference" for my long exam, but I'm not allowed to used sticky tabs or anything to mark chapters/sections, so I'll need to work out a system.

Mum is making sure my teacher comes out soon, so I can go over things I don't understand, ask for past exams, exam techniques, how to put together and make the best of a bound reference. (I've never used or made one before, only double sided A4 cheatsheets for tests.) I hope to maintain a B or B+ average, so that will give me a bit of leeway in my exams. I tend to do badly under pressure and time constraints, so my marks always decrease in exams. It's a pity, but I really only need a pass mark for maths to get into Accounting, although a higher mark would be much better and definitely preferable!

My calculus cheatsheet from Year 11

Mishka:

Mishka sitting on my bed

I got Mishka after a hospitalisation in 2005, the year I had off school, because the social workers and nurses suggested I get a cat or a pet of some sort to keep me company at home. Mishka was really in a bad way when we got her; she'd just had kittens, even though she was only 6mths old herself, so her fur was patchy, and she was very thin. I carried her around the house for the first month, so she's a bit spoilt!

Mishka has been great company, and it's nice to have her with me, even if she's asleep while she's sitting with me on my bed, or on my lap, purring or dozing as I watch tv. She's been very healthy, which is great, because I'd be devastated if Mishka got sick. I have a hard time taking care of her, so unless I'm awake at 5am or 6am, Mum will let Mishka outside, and put her food bowl out. I try to bring her in each night, but she doesn't like to come indoors anymore, so I've taken to bringing her food bowl indoors at midday or 1pm, and then Mishka has to come inside sometime, as she'll get hungry, eventually. We don't have a catflap, and if I leave her food out for too long, all the neighbourhood cats come and eat it.

Mishka is timid, scared of strangers, loud noises, and sudden movements. But she's very sweet and cuddly. I love that it's so easy to make Mishka happy; I just have to feed her and pat her, and make sure she's got somewhere comfortable to nap. I wish everyone were that easy to please. Mishka likes hiding in small spaces, and it's adorable to see little white socks poking out from under a bed!

That's all for today, I hope you liked the post. I might write one about my first time voting at the federal election when I feel a bit better. I've been up since 9am today, and only got about 5hrs broken sleep, so I don't feel well. I might write a health update soon, too. Alex. xoxo

Braces

Braces:
I got my braces on last week, on Tuesday afternoon. And it didn't hurt... For a few hours. Then it was absolutely agonising. And it still is. The orthodontist and assistants are all really nice, and they explain what they're going to do before they do it, and they warn me if something might be painful! This is all new for me, my last orthodontist thought braces were a "pain-free" procedure, but it would be hard to eat steak for the first week. She obviously never had braces, or met people with different pain thresholds!

I'm on Panadeine Forte for the pain, which, as bloody always, does almost nothing. On the upside, it means I can open my mouth enough to eat rice, but apart from coconut rice, I'm basically living off jelly, ice cream, and anything soft that doesn't require chewing. I take Mersyndol before bed and when I wake at 3am, because it's supposed to help you sleep. It didn't when I last had braces, and it isn't this time! Still, it means the Panadeine Forte will last longer, because I don't know how long I'll be in pain.

The pain is keeping me awake at night. I've been waking at 3am every single night since I got these braces, and today, I haven't got back to sleep yet. And I have to get up at 12.45pm for maths tutoring. I'm really not looking forward to it; it's hard for me to concentrate at the best of times, but when I'm in overwhelming pain, calculus is infinitely more difficult. I haven't been able to revise at all. The first week of the holidays I was too exhausted and busy, and this week I've been in too much pain and too sleep deprived. I really hope I can remember the basics of antidifferentiation and integration, I really don't want to waste my tutor's time revising. I feel guilty that I couldn't revise, and that I'm taking up my tutor's weekends every week...

I'm considering going to the hospital if the pain keeps up much longer. It isn't often that pain brings me to tears, but this is. On a daily basis. Also, decent pain relief (like morphine) helps you sleep, apparently. It didn't when I was 9, but, who knows? I just want to be pain free for one entire day!!!

Sleep routine:
I'm still going to bed each night between 10.30pm and 11.30pm, and I am generally asleep by midnight. I always wake at 3am, regardless of what time I got up the previous day, whether I napped, or anything else that's sleep-hygeine related. This week, it's been the pain waking me, but before that, it was a new pattern. I just hope it changes again soon. My younger brother goes back to school on Monday, so I'll be able to go to bed at 10.30pm every night and get to sleep sooner, because it will be quiet, finally. Mum has promised. I figure if I stick to a night time routine, the day time sleep will lessen - my need for it, that is, so eventually I can get up earlier. Some days I'm in bed until 4pm simply because I can't get up. I really need more sleep, at night, in order to do well this year, and to get back to school and Orientation. I'm trying my hardest, but my body is trying it's hardest to make sure I don't sleep! M.E. is the most confusing, frustrating and misunderstood illness!!

Reunion:
I have a one-year reunion for my high school coming up in about a fortnight. I've pretty much got my outfit, but I need a bag, as mentioned in a previous post, and I might get a new pair of Chucks. One day I'll be able to fit into adult's shoes. I'd wear flats, but I can only fit into one kind, that is sold at one store in one season, and last time I went, they had a size 2 (I've grown out of mine) and a size 6. Not helpful. But at least I'm relatively cheap to buy for when it comes to clothing; I fit kid's shoes a lot of the time, especially if they're runners.

I'm hoping the pain will subside enough for me to go and look for a bag and maybe get some Chucks. I know my size, and the colours I like, so it's not too energy-consuming to buy them. I'm excited about the reunion; I haven't really seen anyone since my November exams last year, and then it was only a few girls. If I'm still in pain by the reunion, which I shouldn't be, I'll eat some rice beforehand, because I doubt they'll be serving jelly, lol!!

Unfortunately, I'm seeing my specialist earlier that week, so I'll be tired from the constant battle for meds or a treatment that isn't SSRIs. I just refuse SSRIs and Melatonin; they don't work, they never have, and they won't now!

Thanks for reading, and I love reading your comments and seeing your feedback. LMK if the last post was too long, okay?

Doctor Who, & a little good news!

The 11th Doctor!!
I watched the first episode with Matt Smith, & it took a while, but I've got to say that I do like him... A lot. He's quirky & funny, but is lacking the dress sense of the 10th Doctor. (Who is still my all-time fave!) I'm going to keep watching. I also like Amy, his soon to be (I presume) companion. She reminds me of Donna! I really liked the episode, though it was slow in a few parts. I absolutely hated the complete overhaul of the theme music, logo, TARDIS interior & sonic screwdriver. I loved the continuity of "wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey..." It was brilliant, & I love anything that links back to my fave Doctor. I'm counting down the hours (practically) until the next episode: Sunday night!! If any of my Twitter followers are reading this; please no spoilers!! =P

Now, the good news:
My mum mailed my SAC & SEND tasks from Weeks 1-4 yesterday, so if the address/name/location are correct, my teacher should receive it today. (Wednesday.) That means I'm no longer behind in my work!!

Complete exhaustion...
After the marathon study session & maths tutoring & finishing my SAC, I was exhausted the next day, Sunday. I expected that. But it's now Wednesday & I can't see any improvement. I'm doing 3x the work I did when I attended a real school, I have no social life/contact & receiving any form of communication is really dodgy. You never know if it'll be a month late, on time, or 7 weeks late. So the stress from that isn't helping things at all. I still haven't been able to get out of bed most days until 4pm. My alarm goes off at 2pm, but I'm too weak & dead tired to move. So I just lie there.

Week 9 SEND tasks:
I obviously can't work on the Week 9 SEND tasks tomorrow, as I have a personal training session. (Yes, I'm still persevering with that.) So I'll have to do it on Thursday, if I have any ability to sit & study. I'll have to take meds to do so, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make! (It's really hard to get these particular meds.) It's a short bit on the "tangent function" & something else where you mark key points on 2 graphs, then add  them to come up with an in-between graph. I'm just so wiped out, it's terrifying me. Also, it's about 5am, I haven't slept yet, & need my sleep really badly.

Good morning/goodnight...
It's getting early in the morning, so I'll attempt sleep for the 1000th time! I hope my readers are well, & if anyone has any feedback, tips, or just would like to chat about ME/CFS, or Doctor Who, or something, then comment!! I read all of them! =D

Busy & stressed!

My past week:
On the 27/03 & 28/03 I had two hours of Maths tutoring each day to catch up; I'd missed the previous week's session because I went to see a movie with a friend, & it was my birthday that weekend. One of the worst ever. So it took me a while to recover from that. (In fact, I'm not sure I have recovered yet.)
On the 30/03 I had a dentist's appointment, which was exhausting & I also got my iPod fixed & looked at Sportsgirl.
Then on the 31/03 I had my first personal training session at the gym, which went well, but I was incredibly exhausted as my younger brother had a friend & the friend's younger brother at our place all day.
The next day (01/04) I had a hair cut/colour & it took a few hours, but it was nice to get out of the house & do something that didn't involve ME/CFS for once. Then I noticed a sale at Cotton On & the Bonds outlet, so I bought a loose top that matches my pajamas for $5 from Cotton On, a jacket & long sleeve t-shirt from the Bonds outlet. Then I was exhausted.
On Sunday (04/03) I went to the footy after an awful weekend, thanks to my father. I had a good time with my half-brother from Germany, his girlfriend & my family. (Excluding my father.) After the footy match we went to the Hilton to have a coffee & some snacks, then caught a taxi home.

My further exhaustion & feelings of being overwhelmed:
I got back at about 9.50pm last night, & had to shower & wash, dry, straighten my hair & do my Methods hw which I'd been too busy or wiped out to do all week. I've finally got all of week 1 ready to send in, & all of week 2 except for 1 question. Just 5 more weeks of work to be completed by the 11/04 & I'm set. Then I have a SAC the first week of term, but I'm allowed to take rest breaks, etc. plus my mum is supervising me. So that should quell some of my nerves/panic attacks/anxiety about exams/tests/SACs. I hope.

Sleep: (or lack thereof)
It's 4am & I haven't slept yet. My body is keeping me awake, despite the fact I've taken my meds, because it knows I have tutoring at 1pm, & my body thinks I'll oversleep. It's stupid. I need sleep for tutoring, so my body ensures I don't sleep before tutoring. It's torture & a waste of my valuable meds! I'm going to go insane from lack of sleep. I either get to sleep by 4am & wake every 10mins or get to sleep by 8am & wake every 30mins. Both are exhausting, both cannot be classified as sleep, & no one can help me. I'm on my own here. I've tried everything & nothing helps. Exercise seems to make it worse, stress obviously does & I'm stressed out of my mind.

So busy & so desperate to sleep:
I need to get to sleep!!! My half-brother from Germany & his girlfriend are coming over after tutoring for an early dinner & also so they can tell us about their trip through central Australia. I must study, I must pass, I must get a good mark, & I must return to school next year. The isolation is awful & so is being stuck at home. I just want the energy & ability to escape for a few days. I'm not coping anymore.

Expect another post soon, unless I get too sick to use my laptop again!

I fail at Maths.

Maths homework...
I tried to do my Methods homework during the week, but the two nights I was able to do so, my younger brother had homework. He took 4 hours to do it. It's his first year of high school, so he's not used to homework, being assigned books, having a diary/planner, etc. So I had to do nearly all of it on Saturday. I did most of it, but ran into trouble with a few questions. I misread one question to do with polynomials, and expanded it, instead of giving the number of terms in the equation or something. So that's a fail. Then, I spent HOURS doing another binomial expansion question (it actually needed expanding) only to find I had the wrong answer. So I showed my tutor yesterday, she looked at the answer for a minute, & went: "They wrote it the opposite way! See, we'll go through it, I bet you got it right!" I did. I just fail for not checking how my textbook decides to write solutions.

Maths tutoring...
So yesterday we covered 1.2 (Systems of linear equations) & began 1.3 (Algebra of exponential & logarithmic functions) in my textbook. Systems of linear equations in two unknowns, parallel & coincident lines, simultaneous linear equtions in more than two unknowns, matrix representation of systems of linear equations, inconsistent systems & laws of logarithms & changing the base of logarithms. (The last two were from 1.3) I found it harder than last week, but my tutor thinks I'm still doing well, it's just that I always assume I'm wrong with my working out or answers, so I waste more time, & get anxious, too. I'm a perfectionist, which isn't good when Maths isn't your strong suit. I think my brain took most of it in. I really hope it did; I just know that I was wiped out & so was my tutor after 2.5 hours of Methods! I have quite a lot of homework again, plus some extra in case I "get bored." I'm not sure that I'll become bored enough to do that homework! =P I plan to copy out the notes & examples into my new exercise book on Tuesday, as per last week. Hopefully I can make a start on the homework, then, too.

New clothes...
So I'm planning to go & get a new pair of jeans & some t-shirts tomorrow. It hinges on whether I sleep well, & my pain levels when I get up at 11am... ish. I realised that a lot of my t-shirts were black/worn, & I've had nearly all of them for 2+ years! (Except for the 3 I bought at the Bonds outlet.) My jeans are two years old, & they are wearing thin, so it's best to get another pair before my jeans actually wear out! Plus I like buying things, it doesn't matter how small. It could be some nice pens, or a hat, anything, really, because it gets me out of the house & takes my mind off my disability.

Finally...
I guess that's about it. Not much happens in my life, apart from study. I tried to watch the new episode of Skins, but can't get it to play past 43mins, the episode is 46mins long. I'm hoping I haven't missed much. I figure I can catch up next week! I'm getting consistently worse, so my mum will try to make an "emergency" appointment with my specialist. We have a lot to discuss. I'm worried about my brain, & how it will function if I improve or ever recover. How does it recover from years & years of sleep deprivation? I know my memory is getting worse; I can have my house keys in my hand, but not remember what they're called, or what they do when I'm having a really bad day. Or else my eyes ache, I feel like I've got the flu, & my spine has excruciating pain radiating outwards, & upwards unless I lie down in bed or sleep. No painkiller will dull the pain enough for me to function. I just have to get myself together, get referrals, & sort some of this crap out. Anyway, that's about it from me, I'm going to try & sleep now!

My room

So, I'm going to try a sort of new lay-out for my posts...

An introduction: my room...

I spend a lot of time in my room. A lot of time not sleeping, watching DVDs, going on Facebook, Twitter, etc. I'm also a messy person (not my locker, or when it comes to books, organisation, just my room) which annoys the hell out of my mum. So I did a massive room clean up, staged over several weeks. I cleared out my wardrobe. Filled a whole garbage bag of clothes to take to the Salvos, ones that I'd outgrown, never really worn, or just never fitted right. Also, my old school dresses I had been keeping for last year's muck up day. You get all your friends to sign your dress, you keep it forever. Figures I'd be too sick for muck up day!

Posters...
My mum took a Killers poster I got for myself at Christmas, plus a Chris Grant testimonial poster (he's an AFL player) that I've had for... Well, months and months. Since I got my Western Bulldogs jumper last March/April. And The Killers poster is now near my bed, the Chris Grant one is above my desk shelf. They look great, but it meant I had to part with some of the print outs of Oasis and The Killers. When I say some, I mean, it covered half a wall. And I had to get rid of half that amount. I really want an Oasis poster now. Really. That would be epic. But I'm running out of wall space!! I might post pictures sometime, it's a matter of having some energy (or, just not be using next week's energy) getting the camera, taking the pictures, uploading to my laptop and then this blog. So, it may be a while.

Textbooks, and my desk...
My desk is also the neatest it's been since mum cleared it for school last year. (And that lasted for all of a day. I just did my homework and tutoring at the dining room table. You can spread all your stuff out there much more easily.) I've got some of my soft toys lined up, I've organised the drawers, all my stationery, so only functioning items can be found... I don't think I'll be scribbling a pen furiously, in the hopes it'll work, for a long time! I also threw out a lot of my school books that were never going to be sold. Old editions, or folders I'd kept for no particular reason, plus a whole lot of (now) useless notes. Japanese ones from Year 7. Idk why I was keeping those! But it's freed up a lot of space for the huge amount of study materials, books, folders, exercise books, etc. (read: crap) that comes with Year 12. I've kept all my German stuff, though. Right from Year 9. I still plan to study it at uni.

An epic tale - in a new, shiny (precious) hardcover edition:
I also put my new copy of LOTR on my desk. The books, not the movies. (God, I do read!! I have 3 bookshelves in my room, some of them double-stacked with books, and collapsing from the weight!) They're lovely, hardcover editions, divided into the 3 'books', with illustrations by Alan Lee, and they come in a box-cover-thing, and, yes, it cost $135 and I had to order it in especially, but it is SO WORTH IT. My copy (I got it when I was 7) is all-in-one, soft-cover, but with a particularly awesome drawing of Gandalf the Grey on the cover. I'm still keeping that one, for sentimental value. And I'm thinking about getting the same edition of 'The Hobbit' - hardcover, with illustrations, for my birthday. Anyway, these books will last for a long time, and there are just some books that have editions you HAVE to have.

Impulse shopping: some editions are forever...
My mum's copy of 'To Kill A Mockingbird' is so cute. It's a Penguin, and the cover is in 3 colours, made to look like it's a child's writing, done in crayon. And there's a dead mockingbird on the cover (you know, lying on it's back) plus a list of the accolades the book's won. It is lovely, and it's not hardcover, so it will fall apart one day. But I'm always looking at 'To Kill A Mockingbird' in bookstores, in the hopes I'll find one like it. Now, the 'Tomorrow' series, by John Marsden. I bought every book as soon as it was released. And I started doing that when I was 9. Being 9, I didn't have a lot of money, or the foresight to buy hardcover. So I'm hoping for a boxset, because there's, like, 7 books, plus a 3 book follow-on series. Although the last 4 I have ARE hardcover, because that's all they were selling. Irritating.

Longing for stability...
I'm going to the gym today, (well, it's early morning, I'm not going until afternoon) I'm starting to see a personal trainer again. Starting at basics, obviously, I hope to build up enough strength to be able to (easily) carry my schoolbag, books & laptop next year, climb the ridiculous amount of stairs at school to get to classes, sign in, or go the library, and maybe be library captain again. Plus be able to study and do well in my subjects. Never mind celebrating my 20th birthday (I'll be old!) or going to the movies, just basic things like that. Things I used to manage in Year 11. But stability is one thing you can never have with this illness, and at some point, I need to realise that. I'm still feeling really achey, exhausted and sick. The 'flu-like' symptoms are getting worse, and I don't like it one bit! Plus my insomnia is here to keep me company, as always. I hope I can start to improve. Because I'm scared of what will happen if I get any worse.

Okay, so let me know what you think of the titles, and any ideas you've got for layout or readability. =)