New things!

New things!

Doona, doona cover and more:

Close up of the pattern.

My doona, doona cover,
matching pillow case & teal runner.

 

Yesterday I went out and got a new doona cover, it's navy blue/royal blue, with an aqua stripe surrounding the patterned part of it. I got a new doona to go with it, it's goosedown, but I think it's hypoallergernic. I'm prone to allergies, and mine have been flaring up lately, even though it's winter. It's meant to be a super warm doona, and I guess I'll find out if that's true tonight! Despite the fact I have a single bed, I got a double bed doona and doona cover, so I'll be extra warm, and it'll fit properly/cover more of the bed. Single bed doonas have never fit properly, in my experience!

  

This is the teal blanket/runner, on top of my old doona.

I got a runner to go on top of the doona, as decoration, because it actually brings out the different blues, etc. in my doona cover. It's hard to tell with iPhone pictures, but it's a teal colour, and it's silky/shiny. It's also something extra to keep me warm!

'Skins' series 4.

New DVDs!

I went to JB Hi-Fi afterwards, because I wanted to see if they had the most recent series of 'Skins', series 4. (It's on SBS at the moment, but I watched it online, as it airs a lot earlier in Britain. I saw the series finale back in March!) They did, which is great, because now I don't have to record it on the Foxtel iQ anymore. I can just lie in bed with my laptop and watch it!

I also picked up a DVD for mum, it's called 'The Hunger', and it's a vampire film with David Bowie. An old one, because Mum's been looking for a copy for ages. I can't wait to see it!

I had a quick look to see if there were any singles from my favourite bands, but no luck. I've yet to find a single besides 'Mr. Brightside' in any CD store!

The life of a spoonie: where to put all those medications?!

Already full with meds!

A month or so ago, (I think a few days before my reunion) I went into Sportsgirl, and had a look at their cosmetic bags. I bought one, not for make up or nail polish, but for my medications! It holds most of them, but I may need a larger one!

  

Smiggle: matching, scented stationery fixes everything!

I tweeted about going to Smiggle before my haircut last week. I went partially because I love to look at what's in the store, but also because I had a rewards card to redeem. Well, here's what I bought:

6 fruit scented highlighters

3 fineliners with ink that doesn't
seep through: aqua, pink & black

I bought a pencil case, too. It's got two outside sections, one with mesh that closes with a zip, and the other fabric that also closes with a zip. The middle is opened with a zip, and it expands so it can hold my calculator on one side, (it's divided internally by a thin mesh/net zip section) and the other side can hold my scented pens, etc.

The internal compartments are ideal for holding my medications for school next year; it's a lot more practical than carry around lots of pill containers, and some people are odd about others needing to take medication. I have no idea why! It's subtle, anyway.

I use the external mesh zip section for my ruler and fineliners, and the external fabric zip section for my pacers, pens, liquid paper pens and eraser.

Fabric zip section.

Mesh zip section

And finally:

There's one thing I can't live without: my hair straightener! Since I got my hair cut short last year, it's no longer an option to tie it up in a bun when it's wet, and leave it there if I can't be bothered drying and straightening it. I can't even put it in a ponytail when it's dry; it's too short! So I'm addicted to my hair straightener. Even if I look awful, haven't slept and feel like a zombie, at least my hair isn't a wreck!

I just wish it wasn't so tiring. I have to wash it every second day, and use dry shampoo on my fringe in between. When it was longer, I could leave it until every third or fourth day, and in hospital, once it was washed, I could put it in a high bun, and leave it there until it next needed washing. That's why I'm going to start growing it again after school photos next year. (I want my hair to look it's best then, as our school photo goes up on a big screen at graduation.) I know this hairstyle suits me, but it will save me so much time and energy when I can just dry and straighten my fringe, and leave the rest of my hair up. I miss long hair!

My GHD hair straightener.

I hope you liked this edited post; it's not exactly a coherent theme, but there are a lot of pictures to break it up a little. Please let me know if you'd like to see more or less of something, or something new entirely! Alex. xoxo

Music

Music
I've been listening to my iPod a lot lately, especially when I'm in too much pain to read/write/use my laptop, etc. I've been listening to Franz Ferdinand, and watching some music videos. Franz Ferdinand have really interesting and creative music videos, and I love watching Joy Division's music video for 'Love Will Tear Us Apart', followed by New Order's cover, recorded live in Glasgow. It's amazing to see the same three people age so suddenly, from 1980 to 2005 or something.

Joy Division. (L-R: Stephen Morris, Ian Curtis, Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook)

New Order. (L-R: Peter Hook, Stephen Morris, Bernard Sumner)

 I've been watching Brandon Flowers' new music video, 'Crossfire', the new single from his upcoming solo album 'Flamingo.'

The album cover for 'Flamingo'

Brandon Flowers.

And, really, you can't go past Oasis. I love to watch interviews. There's one off the DVD from 'Stop The Clocks', a best of, and I chose German subtitles. I learned many swear words the first time I saw it. It is helpful for grammar, though. There's also 'Gold & Silver & Sunshine', which is basically the making of their final album 'Dig Out Your Soul'... I like it because it's not just the Gallagher brothers, but the whole band get interviewed. This was also on a bonus DVD that came with the CD.

The album cover for 'Dig Out Your Soul'

Oasis. (L-R: Andy Bell, Liam Gallagher, Gem Archer, Noel Gallagher)

Pain
I've been on the Lyrica for a while now, and it obviously isn't helping. It's actually causing headaches some days, plus the dizziness, disorientation, weakness and weird appetite. (I can't eat for 20hrs sometimes because I'm not hungry or I feel sick, then suddenly I'm starving, and eat a whole bowl of curry and rice and a few muesli bars!)

My new specialist is sending out a script for real painkillers on Monday. He also said I'm not to do my homework after tutoring, because 2.5-3hrs of study is too much for me at the moment. I'd be doing my homework now, except I've been awake since 7.20am and only got a maximum of 6hrs broken sleep, and my younger brother has a friend over. And I've got a headache that just won't go away. It's not as bad as the one I had for a whole week during that virus, but I think that studying will make it worse.

My back was really sore after tutoring yesterday, which went for about 3hrs. We covered more probability. Honestly, that topic goes on forever! I find probability quite hard, but it's not as bad as trigonometry. I was so exhausted last week that I forgot to send my homework in! I still have to put it in an envelope and address it. I'm so sick of distance education, it's a real pain having to do this much study and send off the work every week.

My favourite bands (listening to their music, or looking through pictures, going through their albums) always cheer me up.

The Killers. (L-R: Mark Stoermer, Ronnie
Vannucci, Dave Keuning, Brandon Flowers)

Franz Ferdinand. (L-R: Nicholas McCarthy,
Paul Thomson, Alex Kapranos, Bob Hardy)

Thanks for commenting on my 'Fibromyalgia' post, it was great getting all that feedback! I'd love to know: what have you been listening to? What helps you cope with pain and/or lack of sleep? And what cheers you up?

Alex. xoxo

Franz Ferdinand

I love Franz Ferdinand. I've always really liked their music, right from their (self titled) debut album. But since I watched a MTV Live concert on Foxtel, I've fallen in love with them, their music and their lead singer/guitarist: Alex Kapranos.

Franz Ferdinand.

Alex Kapranos. Amazing.

Franz Ferdinand's music is so alive and full of energy, and watching that concert made me feel... Less dead? It doesn't really give me energy; nothing can, but it makes me the closest I've been to happy since I saw The Killers live in 2007. It was quite odd, really. I went with a friend, and after I was dropped home, I said to my mum: "It was brilliant, they were brilliant, but I feel weird... I'm in pain, and I'm exhausted, but I'm not feeling it. It's like it doesn't matter. And I actually stood for the whole time they played!" Mum: "That's probably happiness. And could you keep your voice down a little?" (It was about midnight and my younger brother was asleep. It was the first concert I'd attended, and my friend and I were just a little deaf by the end!)

Alex Kapranos singing '40 Ft.' at the MTV Live concert in Valencia.

The Killers.

 I've decided I'll do whatever it takes to see Franz Ferdinand live: use all energy that I've saved, take whatever painkillers I can, along with my usual meds, plus Ondansetron if I need it, save my pension money for tickets, and pester my friends until I find someone who'll go with me so I can get the disabled access seating.

... Yep, all that for one concert. I don't have many good memories after the age of 13; so this will (hopefully) be another to add to mine. At the moment, they'd be school related/academic achievements, seeing The Killers live in 2007, my 2008 formal, and, I'm truly hoping, seeing Franz Ferdinand live. Soon.

They're currently working on their next album, but have vowed not to talk about it much, if at all; apparently Alex Kapranos felt that they over-publicised their last album, ('Tonight: Franz Ferdinand') so I'm just dying, waiting for a release date to be announced. Generally, from when a band begins their tour, it takes 6 months to a year for them to arrive in Australia and begin touring. Soooo... They'd better not play any festivals, or if they do, they'd better play some side shows at a suitable venue!

To finish this unusually happy and nearly spoonie-topic free post, more Franz Ferdinand pics!!

Don't you just LOVE the pink shirt?!

This avatar sums up my feelings about hot guys wearing pink.
(That's Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers.)

I hope you enjoyed the post! Comment if you like, whether it's about Franz Ferdinand, The Killers, or just music in general! Thanks for reading. =)

Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia.
Yep, I've long suspected it, but unti l saw my new specialist on Wednesday, it wasn't diagnosed. [Read: hundreds of doctors refuse to say if it's stress, ME/CFS or Fibromyalgia.] He's given me a script for Lyrica, so we're out of pocket for over $100 at least. If it doesn't work in a week, I can move on to stronger painkillers. Think Vicodin, OxyContin, etc. My new specialist, for once in my life, thinks that there is no way I can become an addict if I use it to treat pain! Besides, I don't have an addictive personality, and if I didn't require all these meds to survive, I would stop all of them. I'd rather be med free!

What this means for me:
Well, finally, a definitive diagnosis that sounds like a real illness. People say: "OH, so you're just tired and get to sleep all the time." when you say "CFS". When you say "Fibromyalgia", they say: "What is that? It sounds terrible!" Also, it means, for the first time in about 9-10 years, my pain will be treated. This gives me so much hope for my return to school; I sleep more when I'm pain-free, and I can stay at school longer when I'm pain free. I can also study for hours each night when I'm pain-free. If whatever painkiller this specialist gives me works, I will be so happy!

I've also been referred to another sleep specalist, although my new specialist reassures me that this person is an expert in the field. Hope so! I don't want to hear the words "sleep hygeine" again! I'm also being referred to someone about my dizziness, blacking out, etc. The aortal valve leakage isn't causing it to this extent, so I need a tilt table test. It really doesn't sound pleasant, but I do want answers!

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with Fibro, what meds to try/request, and just general info, I don't know a lot about it! Thanks!! xoxo

I'm back!

I suppose everyone wants to know how the reunion went:
It was an afternoon tea, and the food looked lovely, but I didn't feel like eating because I'd eaten already that day and I have braces. I didn't want to have food stuck in them the whole time, it's awful when that happens!

I was nervous beforehand, as I hadn't really seen anyone my age except a very close friend, and that was once in the past year. (We saw 'Twilight' together this year, had a sleepover last March, and saw a James Bond movie the year before.)

As soon as I found the people I knew best, I felt a lot more at ease. Everyone complemented me on my outfit, and everyone loved the necklace. One my friends, the closest I had at school, was suprised I wore nail polish (never have, even for a formal) but she thought the black nail polish looked cool, although a little "emo". =p This was clarified by me saying I still am obsessed with The Killers, Oasis and Franz Ferdinand!!

I mingled a bit, although it was difficult at times, as different groups of kids see each other at uni daily, and go to concerts and parties as well as having a ritual of a weekly coffee and a weekly breakfast. So I was a bit out of place, but everyone was so nice! I haven't received so many complements since I got my hair and makeup done professionally for my formal in 2008. (I also had my dress and shoes custom-made; I was too ill to shop, and they don't make size 3 or 4 formal shoes! I've grown out of nearly all kids' shoes, and can't fit into womens until I reach a size 6. It really makes shopping difficult, especially as I can no longer get away with Chucks. More and more formal occasions appear as I get older. If only my feet were a size 6!!)

Everyone had lots of tips on how to cope with maths, and the main theme was: "You will suprise yourself on your exam day." Other tips included: "Work with a group, or for you, your tutor, right up until before the exam, and make sure you revise everything you can!" and "Something you haven't understood all year may suddenly become apparent in the week before the exam; it happened to me!" also "Take detailed notes, but DO NOT rely on them too much." ... The best of all: "God, Alex, it's just MATHS!! It's so difficult, and you only need a pass mark to get into Accounting. It was so hard that I dropped it after two weeks!" This really cheered me up. When I told my friend, who did this maths in Year 11 (she's so smart!) about my SAC marks, she said that as long as I maintain a 'B' average, I should be absolutely fine.

Nearly everyone was so nice! There was this one girl who's always had a problem with me, IDK why! She was 'shooting daggers' at me, or perhaps a better description, 'giving me the evil eye' ... She is very ill, and I'm not sure it's just physical. She's been abusive/bullying at school, and I had the misfortune of being in the same ward as her last hospital admission.  I had to speak to the head nurse, and ask that she be kept away from me as she would just fly into a rage and insult, bully, etc. God knows why. Perhaps the poor thing has a mental problem. It does not seem to be physical; she was in the ED section, and the psychiatrists came to see her. Normally it's just a psychologist who checks in on you, basically to see how you're coping with your hospitalisation and illness/illnesses. Who holds on to a grudge from 2004-2010?! I really think the poor girl has some serious problems. (I didn't mean to sound rude or bitchy, I just honestly think she needs help. When someone is diagnosed with any type of invisible illness, after years of detesting the invisibly ill, they usually feel empathy for those in their situation. This girl feels rage instead, which is so sad. It drains energy, as I well know!)

But the reunion was not all about this girl! Not at all!! I just ignored her immature behaviour, and concentrated on enjoying the afternoon tea.

I caught up with a friend who has a disorder that causes her bones to form incorrectly, so she just underwent an operation to break both of her femurs. So she understood my embarrassment at having to use a bath seat, or finding a task like brushing your hair exhausting and painful, as well as how difficult it is to lose your independence and have to rely on others. She was in a walking frame for months, then crutches, but now she is back to driving and living a normal, virtually pain-free life. I'm so happy for her. I do wish illnesses like M.E. and Fibromyalgia were as simple to fix!

It was also a relief to tell my closest friends about my parent's separation. They were so understanding, and kind.

I hope to keep in touch with them, but it seems unlikely as by the time I graduate high school in 2011, they will be in their 2nd year of uni. I won't be in their classes, and I was absent from school so frequently that I have been unable to form solid friendships; the sort that last for years. Perhaps I will form some of these friendships at uni.



I hope you liked my post, it is past 3am, but Blogger is finally working! Please let me know if there are any things you'd like to know about my reunion! 

My new outfit!

Outfit: so here are the pics!

This is the top I plan on wearing, black lace with either a black tank top underneath, or a black long sleeved t-shirt, depending on the weather, also with the pretty necklace. (Right.)

  

Another top, it's a dark purply colour, but you can't really tell with iPhone pics, it's also silk, I think, and is loose. Handy for days when I'm in pain and want to wear loose clothes. Hence the choice of two tops. Anyways, here it is. (Left.)

This is the blazer I've been talking about for a long time! "Tuxedo-inspired" and it's actually pretty comfortable for someone who is used to hoodies! (Right.)

  

 I'll wear my darkish blue bootleg jeans with these Chucks. (Left.)

And this is the aforementioned bag that I'll be taking. (Right.)  

Where did I shop?

Okay, the two tops, blazer and necklace are from Portmans, while the Chucks are from a Converse, etc. shoe store, at a factory outlet shopping centre. =)

My reunion:

I'm excited about it; of course it will be really, incredibly difficult seeing how everyone I knew so well has moved on to uni, etc. and I'm stuck at home. I can't even say I'm at that school this year! But I'm really getting sick of being in the house, with my family all the time. I can't wait to see my .. friends? Is that what they are now, or because they've moved on without me, are they acquaintances? But, anyways, it'll be great to get "dressed up" (for me!) and go out, even just for an afternoon tea. But, really, I'm wondering if the fact I'm so excited and anxious about my reunion is affecting my sleep. Oh well, it will all be over soon, until the 5 year reunion!

Feedback!

I've received comments on my Facebook and Twitter accounts about my new Chucks (both the pink glittery ones and the black sparkly ones) as well as my new bag, but no one's seen my new tops or blazer as yet, so, as always: I welcome feedback!

Take care. xoxo

Hospitals

My hospital/specialist visit.
I saw my specialist on Monday, who was not of much help. I've been put on a new medication for my back spasms, but I can only take it at night. She won't help with the rest of my pain, my insomnia, or sleep pattern. Apparently it could take over a year for this sleep regime and sleep hygeine to begin to work. I really don't believe much, if anything of what doctors tell me. They've lied to me enough for me to lose faith in them completely.

I got given another dose of vitamin D supplement, it's a liquid oily thing, which tastes horrid. The last time I had it I nearly threw up in my specialist's office, she told me to stop being silly. That was last May/June. I'm meant to have it every winter now. I have many deficiencies and abnormalities, but this is the only one being taken care of!

My specialist gave me the prescriptions I needed, but dated one incorrectly, so the pharmacy couldn't fill it yesterday. Mum went to another local compounding pharmacy who have been filling my various prescriptions since I was 13, and they filled it. It just has to arrive. I'm going to try my new pain medication tonight, and see if it helps me sleep at all. I really hope it does!!!

After I saw my specialist I had to go to pathology to get my vitamin D, iron stores, TSH and more tested. I had to lie down with my legs elevated during the blood test and for 15-20mins after, as I get very faint, dizzy and light-headed with any procedure involving needles and the like.
Then the mean pathologist came in, and laughed.
So I said: "Yeah, it's hilarious, me being this sick, isn't it?" (very sarcastically)
He replies: "Oh, sorry, it's just funny seeing you upside down from this point of view."
Uh-huh. Whatever.
Last time he told me I had to watch my blood test, wasn't allowed to lie down, and it was "all in my head" that I get faint from blood tests, the sight of blood and needles, etc. Afterwards, as it was nearing 5pm, he sent me out into the corridor to wait for my father, even though I was faint, seeing stars and had ringing in my ears. I reported him!! We also reported him when I was 7. He scared the hell out of me then. He said that if I didn't drink 3L of water he'd have to stick me 10 times with a needle. (The hospital policy is a maximum of 3 attempts, unless the patient requests another nurse/pathologist.) I was already frightened of needles, but he made it 100x worse! I now know his name, so I can go to pathology and say: "Anyone at all, except ..."

That's about it for my health/doctor update! I don't expect comments, so don't worry!

Take care. xoxo

Maths tutoring

Maths tutoring:

I was going to have maths tutoring on Saturday afternoon, but it had to be rearranged, so I chose today, at 2pm. We covered 'Functional Equations and Matrices', and it wasn't that bad. I was surprisingly awake and alert... Usually if I don't sleep well, even my medications can't work enough! This is the pouch of medication I take out with me, or keep with me during tutoring. (Right.)

I even managed to notice if my tutor made a mistake, or if I'd missed something, like a minus sign, or part of an equation. So it was a good session; challenging in parts, but I understood it all. =) 

I have a lot of maths things: two pencil cases, one with a stapler, scissors, highlighters, ruler, spare pens/pencils, my memory sticks, spare lead, and coloured tabs. The other holds the pens I use each tutoring session, my calculator, (TI-89 Titanium) Smiggle scented pens/thin felt-tip pens. I also have a textbook, coursebook, (which contains the homework and all the weekly work) A4 notebook for study/homework (I will use looseleaf soon, it's annoying having to tear out the homework pages) and two smaller notebooks, one already filled with notes and examples, the other we just started using today for the same purpose. There's a binder folder which I use to store SACs, and anything else from Distance Education. I have a blue display folder, too, for tutoring notes, cheatsheets, and working out/scribble. I keep my organiser with me, so I can remember which week I'm in, upcoming SACs, and organise tutoring session. Obviously my wallet. That's a pic of all the stuff I have to cart back and forth each weekend. (Above, left.)

My younger brother woke me at 9.30am, and it was noisy so regularly, plus the fact that my deep sleep was disrupted meant that I couldn't get back to sleep. I stayed in bed anyway, I didn't want to cause more pain; sitting and studying means I need an hour lying down. That's why I'm writing this blog post from my bed! I went to bed at 10.55pm, but it was too noisy (as my younger brother still hadn't gone to bed) for me to sleep. It was finally quiet at around 11.20pm, and I was asleep by midnight. I woke at 4.50am, fell asleep by 6am, woke at 8.10am, and fell asleep quickly. Until I was woken. I haven't had a nap!

I worked solidly from 2pm - 5pm (tutoring) then studied/worked on homework until about 7pm. I've finished the whole week's homework, and next week I have an analysis assignment. I'll ask my teacher what topics to revise, I figure it's on something from Unit 4, but it could be something awful like trigonometry... That always seems to be on tests and exams!! 

This is my homework. (Left.) Usually it's a lot more than one page! I completed 4 questions, but couldn't get my hands to stop shaking enough so I could take a clear picture. But you get the idea, if you look closely you can see the matrices, and the different colours of pen for question numbers, then questions, and pencil for the working out! It's sort of messy for me, but I'm not used to having to do matrices. It's lining up the square brackets that gets me! Plus I have a tendency to write sloping down the page. It's funny.

I need visit Officeworks, and I may go tomorrow; I have a specialist's appointment near an Officeworks, and Mum needs to return something anyway. I'm out of the blue sticky coloured tabs, and am running low on the other colours. Those are the tabs I have right now. I also need get post-it notes, they're very useful as reminders to stick up, and I love looking at the stationery! I feel as though if everything is colour-coded and organised, I'll get a great mark!!

I hope everyone likes the pictures! I'll leave you with another. You know how I bought all those Franz Ferdinand CDs. (Last post) http://thecabbagestalk.blogspot.com/2010/07/shopping-and-results.html) Anyway, I'd liked Franz Ferdinand since the start, really, (2004) but I've got into them a lot more since I recorded a performance and watched it over and over. It was on MTV Classic, and it's from February 2009; Franz Ferdinand playing live in Valencia. It's amazing! All their songs sound brilliant live, and they sounded great before! This is a "screenshot" (I took a pic with my iPhone) of Alex Kapranos singing '40 Ft'. Enjoy, I know I did! =D  (Right.)

I love comments/feedback. Ticking a 'happy'/'sad', etc. box would be great! People are reading/visiting, but IDK why they won't comment.

Shopping and results!

Shopping:
I went shopping on Monday, but have been recovering until now, (Friday) otherwise I would have posted earlier! I found a bag, some shoes, and got my blazer altered at the tailor's. The bag is black, and the main section has a zip compartment which is ideal for my medications, and in the main section I'll carry my usual things: wallet, water bottle, pension card/library card, (they're the closest thing to an ID I own!) keys, etc. On the front there's another zip compartment, but much larger, and I'll use that for my iPod, iPhone, and anything else I need frequent or quick access to. Perhaps Ondansetron should be kept there, too! On the back of the bag there's a small zip section which is ideal for papaw ointment, lip gloss and a small mirror. Here's a picture, what do you think of the bag?

The shoes I got were from the Converse outlet, and one pair is black and sparkly, fastened at the side by velcro/press studs and sort of look like slouch boots. They don't have laces, so they're a bit more formal than normal Chucks. Do you like my shoes? I won't be wearing the tops turned down at my reunion, but they're still cool! 

The second pair I got are just normal low-tops, except they're pink and glittery, with identical laces. I don't normally like pink, but these were so bright and shiny (I sound like Gollum!) that I couldn't resist. Oh, and the laces are sort of elastic-y. Are they too pink and shiny, or do you like them? Let me know, leave a comment!

I also bought Franz Ferdinand CDs: 'Franz Ferdinand', 'You Could Have It So Much Better', 'Tonight: Franz Ferdinand' and 'Blood: Franz Ferdinand'. The only one I didn't own a digital copy of (from iTunes) was 'Blood: Franz Ferdinand'. I've since listened to it, and I like it, but not as much as the other albums. I don't always like remixes. But since I've really got into Franz Ferdinand, I had to own a copy of all their albums, and actual CDs at that. Same with Oasis and The Killers. I can't wait for Franz Ferdinand's next album, and I really hope they tour here, at a disabled-friendly venue. (ie. Not a festival, an arena with seating, and music that a friend likes so I can access the disabled seating.) With The Killers on hiatus, I needed a band to fill the musical void in my heart! Here are the CDs I bought; sorry the picture is sideways. I take all pics with my iPhone now. Do you like Franz Ferdinand, too? What sort of music are you into? What music would you recommend for me?

I just needed the sleeves on my blazer shortened as they were too long, but otherwise it fits me really well. It will be ready to pick up on Tuesday. Hopefully it turns out fine; I've never really owned a "good" jacket or had to have anything altered besides jeans. I'll post pics of my outfit as soon as I have it all together. I have a really nice necklace to wear, as well. I welcome opinions!

Maths results!

My mum rang my teacher the other day because I was having a mini-meltdown over my results, which I STILL hadn't received. I got an A on my calculus assignment (that really long one that took a fortnight) and a B on my test/assignment which was on calculus and trigonometry, plus a few other things. When I got my results in the mail, I got a fright, because of the way things are classified, my marks fall as a 'High' (B+ or B) and a 'Medium' (C+ or C.) My teacher worked out the percentages, though, and I got a low A, which falls into the 'High' category with the sorting, and for the second assignment I got a high B, which falls into the 'Medium' category with the sorting. So far this year on my assignments I've received: A+, A, B. My next assignment is in the last week of June, and I think it's another long one, but I only get a week to complete it. I really hope I do alright.

I have to maintain a high average for my classwork, because I usually do badly on my exams. I panic, and then have a mind blank. This only started after I missed a year of school and was house-bound that year. My doctors think I developed a lot of new fears that year. When I got back to school I was terrified of speaking in class, or even talking to people. I'd also developed mild agoraphobia. I hated leaving the house, and would have a panic attack every morning before school. I still panic before any kind of public speaking, whether it's debating, a speech in front of the school, or just my English class. And I'm really panicky during it. I thought debating would help me face my new fear of public speaking, but it just meant I got to be terrified on a regular basis. So I'm still as scared as ever when it comes to public speaking, but if I feel comfortable in a class, I'll contribute. I'm always told I need to contribute more to class. (Not in German; there was nowhere to hide in a class of four people, including me!)

Another stressor/fear:
I'm stressed that I'll be the same after this year at home, studying by distance: scared of school, scared to speak up, scared of leaving my room. I do go out, but that's different to giving a speech to a class. I wish I could be assessed differently for oral tasks, because they actually mark you on how well you present. So I'm at a disadvantage before I even start the assignment! I just hope that there aren't too many oral presentations, and if there are, that it's group work. Then I don't have to do all the talking. The worst thing is when I get so shaky and start blacking out that I'm not sure if I'll be able to speak... But I always end up talking. Luckily! I really don't think it's fair to assess people on how they present an oral task. A fear of public speaking is very disabling, and if you already have a disability, it's even worse.

Sleep...
I slept well Monday night this week, but I was woken the next night, so since then I've had very broken sleep. Take last night as an example: I went to bed at about 10.50pm, but woke at 1am, 5am, 6am, 7am, 8am, 9am, 10.30am and 11am. I got up at 11.30am, and haven't been back to bed since. It's a pity, because I really need my sleep to recover from all the activity on Monday. I walked so much that day, it was a huge shopping centre! I'm hoping my sleep will right itself again soon, because I will really need rest before my reunion. I hope I can have a good time, because after that, it will be the weekend, then my assignment week. Yay.

I love reading your comments, but I've been missing them lately! Where is everyone?!

Brain fog and study don't mix.

Study:
Yesterday afternoon I had maths tutoring from 2.15pm - 5pm. And it went well; my tutor understood that sometimes I'd zone out, or need things revised because of the pain I was in, but overall I grasped all the concepts from Week 3. (Integration.) It was the homework that was difficult. My calculator (a TI-89 Titanium) wouldn't co-operate for a graphing question that HAD to be done on the calculator, so I skipped that question entirely after fiddling with the 'window' settings for 20 minutes. I think by the time I'd started my homework, I was in so much pain (back pain as well as the pain from my braces) and so brain dead that I really wasn't in the best condition to be doing calculus. I had to read the questions 3 times before I understood them, and I'd confuse a) with c) and have to start all over again! I finally finished at around 7.30pm, and the homework is sitting in an envelope, addressed and ready to be mailed to my teacher tomorrow. Yes, I could try again another day, but I work best when the mathematical concepts are fresh in my mind - even if my mind is full of 'fog'. Besides, I hate making mistakes, or realising that I've made them. I always think I should have done better, even if I get an A+. But because it's maths, I'm just going to settle for an end-of-year pass mark. I can't fail, or else I won't be able to get into Accounting. (I'm desperate to study Arts, then Law, but if I'm still really sick... A safe government job is what I should go for.) So my week is pretty much free until I have tutoring again next Saturday!

Sleep/insomnia.
I guess I thought I would sleep after studying for so long, being in so much pain all day, for days (which is exhausting) and washing, drying and straightening my hair (an exhausting task, which must be done every second day.) But I didn't sleep well. My younger brother was so hyper, he was banging on the bedroom walls and yelling until late at night (11.40pm) so even if I'd been able to go to bed at 10.30pm, I would've just become really stressed and felt sicker. I woke at 1am and 3.40am, and then slept fitfully until 6am. I have a really sore throat today, and have had one since I woke at 3.40am, so I got up at 6.30am to get ice cream! And then I got chills, then I felt like I was running a fever.

I'm just really not feeling well, and I think that the lack of sleep is making me sick. I've been up since 6.30am, pretty much, just lying down in between. I'm really nauseous, but can't take Ondansetron because it's being rationed for days when I'm doing something. (Like yesterday - study.) I did manage to change my bed linen today, but I've pretty much used up all my energy. And it's not even 1pm yet! I've spent a lot of time on my iPhone; on Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook. That's basically my life: the internet and study. I stayed out of bed from 11am yesterday, and went to bed at 11pm, but I still slept terribly. I really think this "sleep hygeine" is useless for me. I'm going to nap if I can soon, because I feel really sick, and there's just not enough that I can do to keep myself occupied!

Comment if you have any suggestions for ways to use my time (NOT STUDY!!) or just want to say 'hi' ... I'm missing the comments! Thanks for reading!