Tuesday, March 30, 2010

iMac

YAY!! ...... Oh, crap..... Oooh, cool.


We finally have a functioning computer!! I've never had a mac before, but we've now got an iMac as the family computer; though I've been on it all night! (That's the "YAY!!") I'm so excited to have new music, but panicked that my iPod won't fully sync, it keeps saying: "The iPod "Alex's iPod" cannot be synced. The required file cannot be found." (That's the "Oh, crap.") It's, like, 1am, & I'm so stressed, annoyed & confused. I bought $110 worth of music, & not all of it may have synced. Oh, btw, it's not my pension being spent on Rammstein, Lady GaGa P!nk, blur & more, it's my Christmas & birthday iTunes vouchers. I have about $10 left, I think. I've been making a list of songs I want ever since our pc decided it wouldn't co-operate with iTunes. (It did this by taking 15mins to open iTunes, then crash when I clicked anything at all.) It was a very manipulative PC. lol!! Oh, the iMac has a WEBCAM!! (That's the "Oooh, cool" bit.) It has this thing called Photo Booth, & you can take pics using aforementioned webcam with various effects & backgrounds. It's awesome, but it also means I'll know how to look halfway decent in actual pics. Practice should make decent. (I'd rather perfect, but I'll never look perfect in a pic!!!) Seriously, I'm not photogenic. I may have to take my iPod to the store & see what the problem is. Must ask mum when she can take me. That is, if the iTunes updates don't fix the problem.

Woo-hoo!!


I read in the paper (well, the newspaper's site on my mobile) that 'The Simpsons' vocab has entered ours. But the "woo-hoo!" part is that I'm finally over my virus, my second in three weeks, & should receive info from my distance education teacher soon about how many 'send' exercises & reviews I must complete. I really hope I can stay in Methods this year, & graduate next year, I really don't want to get worse. I slept rather well last night, luckily. I got 4hrs' sleep without waking! Then the iMac was installed yesterday afternoon, & I spent all evening up until now, pretty much, on the iMac, buying music, making playlists & generally having as much fun as I can possibly have, being me. Also, with the thing about posture supposedly improving my pain levels; it's not. It's so much worse!! But I'm gonna keep going, to either improve, or prove my specialist wrong. I love doing that. *evil grin*

Goodnight...

Well, it's about 1.10am now, so I should check on the progress of the iTunes downloads, & go to bed. Rest my aching bones & all that. =p Also, I'm seriously devastated about Skins. A whole new cast for series 5?! But the site says series 4 is available on DVD; I'm hoping they mean worldwide, but it's unlikely. As ever, I live in hope! Goodnight. =)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

STRESS!!

Distance education...
My mum rang up the Year 12 co-ordinator for distance education during the week, to ask when I'd be getting a schedule, or some SACs, etc. I then found out I was 7 weeks behind, & the start pack (coursebooks, guides, CD-ROM, etc.) had been sent to us in FEBRUARY, but never arrived. Fail. So I got hyper stressed & had a panic attack. It wasn't until my teacher called me the next day (the 24th) & I explained what I'd covered that I found out I wasn't really 7 weeks behind, I was just missing some key areas: graphs, because they hadn't been covered in the textbook yet. So she said to do the 'send' exercises, & if I had any problems, to look at the coursebooks & explanations, then call/email her if I needed further clarification. The thick coursebook is divided in to weeks (as in weeks of a term) & each week you  need to do all the exercises & refer to the thinner coursebook for algebra consolidation exercises & send in the 'send' algebra review exercise(s) & the 'send' work at the end of the chapter. The 'send' at the end of the chapter is 2 - 3 pages long, usually, & there are looooong analysis questions, too. I've nearly finished all of weeks 1 & 2, & have made a start on week 3. I also emailed my teacher to find out how many of the 'send' exercises I need to complete & send in. Otherwise it's waaaaaay too much work for a 2 week holiday break. So stressful!! ... This is a pic of all the work that arrived: http://twitpic.com/1ae3ep

Another virus...
I caught another virus last Monday, probably because when mum went to the gym, her personal trainer was really sick, so I caught it, as I have a really low immune system. (EBV + ME/CFS + secondary infection = low immune system) It was awful. I felt like I usually do (chills, running a fever, aches & pains, headache) but 100x worse & I had a really sore throat that just wouldn't go away, plus I had 'the sniffles'. Badly. I'm still feeling a bit under the weather now, but my tutor noticed the difference in my appearance on Sunday, as opposed to on Saturday. (I'd improved; my voice was more normal.) Imagine if she'd seen me on Wednesday! =o

Flu vaccinations...
I can't get the 'flu shot, because it lays me low, or makes me exhausted/sick for at least 1.5 weeks afterwards. That's a luxury I cannot afford in Year 12. Seeing as I'm practically housebound, I don't need the vaccination, plus with a low immune system, it's recommended in a lot of countries that you shouldn't get the swine flu vaccination unless you work/study, etc. in high-risk areas, like schools, or hospitals. So I may have to get it next year, but I'll ensure I get it on the hols. No reason to fall behind in SACs & work if it can be avoided. I really hope there is a "next year", though. I want to go back to school & graduate so badly that I can't quite explain it in words! I just have to improve & must graduate. Then I can stress about uni. (lol!)

The week ahead...
If all goes well, I'm going to the gym (to see a personal trainer, finally) on Wednesday afternoon, having my hair cut Thursday afternoon, & possibly going to Ikea to get a new wardrobe. Possibly. (I also don't know if we have to get my shelf taken down so the wardrobe will fit. My current wardrobe doesn't fit all my stuff, & isn't great.) Then on Saturday, I have maths tutoring again in the afternoon. (I had it Saturday, and today this week, to make up for last week's missed lesson.) I love Ikea's cafeteria. Particularly the free refills for soft drinks. =D It'd be a nice outing.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

'Alice In Wonderland'

'Alice In Wonderland'
Yesterday I finally got out of the house, & went to see 'Alice In Wonderland' with a friend I met during my August admission to hospital last year. I thought it was a great film & the special effects were amazing. Johnny Depp was brilliant as the Mad Hatter... He does mad so well! I thought the actress who played Alice did a really good job, too, although her face was a little emotionless or blank at times. I didn't see it in 3D - it gives my mum & younger brother migraines, & made me sick the last time I saw anything in 3D. It was amazing to go out with someone around my age, instead of being stuck inside, or only going out to get clothes with my mum. Hopefully I can do it again sometime soon, I know that today I'm really achey & tired.

19 today...
Today was my 19th birthday. To be honest, I don't feel any older, but I think that might be because I haven't had a chance to be a teenager. My life pretty much stopped at 13. I can't even get my learner's permit; because of the years of sleep problems/deprivation, I could fall asleep at the wheel. Then there's the part where I can't focus on Methods some days, never mind a road with multiple distractions, plus learning to drive. I think if you wait until you're 21 to try for your learner's, the whole process of getting your license is fast-tracked considerably. So I might just do that, unless I magically improve. This has been my worst birthday... ever. The last time I was this sick was when I was 14, bed-bound or hospitalised. All my friends are at uni, & I'm stuck here, doing distance education. Things suck at home, too. (I'm not going to talk about it here.) ... I don't want to get any older. There's no point. I just get older & have nothing to show for it. I've really had it with ME/CFS. I never thought I'd get this bad, again.

Presents...
I'd asked for it not to be a birthday this year, so no presents, or cake, etc. But my mum went ahead & got me an iTunes voucher, 2 really pretty pill containers (they have flowers on them, each is a different shade of blue) & a voucher for my local shopping centre, so I can spend it at any store! Oh, & a Kinder Surprise egg. I used to love those when I was little!! My brother got me an iTunes voucher, too, & they both wrote really lovely things in the cards. My father couldn't have forgotten it was my birthday, but took a sheet of A4 paper, folded it in half, wrote 'Happy Birthday' on the front, & said he knew I'd get better, because I was so determined, & that he was sorry he couldn't help. I wasn't annoyed about the fact that he could've got me a card, or a present, (I asked for a happy, argument free day, which didn't happen) it was that he didn't realise that he can help. By reducing the stress. I say it every week. I guess you can't get through to some people. My half-brother from Germany also got me a present. It's a German picture-story book. I will find the energy to figure out what it says; translating the birthday card was tiring enough! (It's got a lot of words...)

Doctor's appointment
My specialist thinks things will improve dramatically as soon as I stop stressing & stop having panic attacks. (Should that read: "being put under so much stress"?) She also thinks that my back pain will be fixed by me sitting up straight. Which is BS, although I'm trying it, purely to prove her wrong, AGAIN. That's what she said when I was 14, so I improved my posture by 15, but when I get worse, my posture gets worse. I literally do not have the strength to hold myself upright. I've exhausted all my options for pain relief, & my scoliosis is still "mild"... But I just wish someone would listen when I say "The only thing that stopped this pain was an injection of morphine when I was 9 years old. The pain disappeared for months, only to reappear the following year, & worsen as my ME/CFS worsened. Uninterrupted sleep is the only thing that helps." She laughed when I explained I was worried about being sick & dependent on the disability pension in 20 years' time. It's not funny, but she thinks it's ridiculous I should worry about my future. If I've seen all the specialists, tried all the regimes, & nothing has helped, not to mention the fact that my specialist admits she doesn't know what to do anymore, why shouldn't I worry? I'm not getting better. I wanted a life, I wanted to go to uni & study Law. Now I might just be stuck in this house forever.

Finally...
I guess that's it. A pretty depressing post, but there isn't much to my life anymore. It all gets consumed by ME/CFS. I haven't even finished last week's Methods homework, & my tutor might assign me more via Facebook to make up for the fact we couldn't have a session this weekend. I might check if Skins has loaded yet. I think it's the series final.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Colds.

A cold after a few hours out...
After I went shopping I managed to catch a cold/virus. I've been sick all week, with chills, a fever, sore throat, no appetite & loads of aches & pains. I did a bit of my Methods homework, but I'm finding it really difficult. I'll ask my tutor to go through it again on Monday. I figure I'll be completely exhausted for a while afterwards, but I just can't afford it. If only I'd got this bug on the holidays!

Methods & the future...
I'm finding Methods more difficult every week. I really hope I can get okay grades, but it's a struggle to just do the homework. I'm not sure how I'm meant to return to school again next year, for two subjects, but I try not to think about that. I need to get through Year 12. It's not like I got ME/CFS after high school, or after uni. Right now, I have no qualifications. That's hard to live with, especially with all my friends now at uni.

Exhaustion & stress...
I'm incredibly stressed, & that doesn't help, but it's scary to contemplate being stuck in bed & the same house for the rest of your life. I still don't sleep well. I found a letter from my GP saying that at age 11 I was complaining of getting to sleep at around 11pm - 12am & waking at 3am, staying awake for a few hours. So that's at least 8 years' worth of sleep disturbances. I can't imagine what it's done to my memory, etc. I just hope it's reversible. I don't want to get any worse... Anyway, I'm too tired to write any more, so I guess that's it. =\

Monday, March 1, 2010

I fail at Maths.

Maths homework...
I tried to do my Methods homework during the week, but the two nights I was able to do so, my younger brother had homework. He took 4 hours to do it. It's his first year of high school, so he's not used to homework, being assigned books, having a diary/planner, etc. So I had to do nearly all of it on Saturday. I did most of it, but ran into trouble with a few questions. I misread one question to do with polynomials, and expanded it, instead of giving the number of terms in the equation or something. So that's a fail. Then, I spent HOURS doing another binomial expansion question (it actually needed expanding) only to find I had the wrong answer. So I showed my tutor yesterday, she looked at the answer for a minute, & went: "They wrote it the opposite way! See, we'll go through it, I bet you got it right!" I did. I just fail for not checking how my textbook decides to write solutions.

Maths tutoring...
So yesterday we covered 1.2 (Systems of linear equations) & began 1.3 (Algebra of exponential & logarithmic functions) in my textbook. Systems of linear equations in two unknowns, parallel & coincident lines, simultaneous linear equtions in more than two unknowns, matrix representation of systems of linear equations, inconsistent systems & laws of logarithms & changing the base of logarithms. (The last two were from 1.3) I found it harder than last week, but my tutor thinks I'm still doing well, it's just that I always assume I'm wrong with my working out or answers, so I waste more time, & get anxious, too. I'm a perfectionist, which isn't good when Maths isn't your strong suit. I think my brain took most of it in. I really hope it did; I just know that I was wiped out & so was my tutor after 2.5 hours of Methods! I have quite a lot of homework again, plus some extra in case I "get bored." I'm not sure that I'll become bored enough to do that homework! =P I plan to copy out the notes & examples into my new exercise book on Tuesday, as per last week. Hopefully I can make a start on the homework, then, too.

New clothes...
So I'm planning to go & get a new pair of jeans & some t-shirts tomorrow. It hinges on whether I sleep well, & my pain levels when I get up at 11am... ish. I realised that a lot of my t-shirts were black/worn, & I've had nearly all of them for 2+ years! (Except for the 3 I bought at the Bonds outlet.) My jeans are two years old, & they are wearing thin, so it's best to get another pair before my jeans actually wear out! Plus I like buying things, it doesn't matter how small. It could be some nice pens, or a hat, anything, really, because it gets me out of the house & takes my mind off my disability.

Finally...
I guess that's about it. Not much happens in my life, apart from study. I tried to watch the new episode of Skins, but can't get it to play past 43mins, the episode is 46mins long. I'm hoping I haven't missed much. I figure I can catch up next week! I'm getting consistently worse, so my mum will try to make an "emergency" appointment with my specialist. We have a lot to discuss. I'm worried about my brain, & how it will function if I improve or ever recover. How does it recover from years & years of sleep deprivation? I know my memory is getting worse; I can have my house keys in my hand, but not remember what they're called, or what they do when I'm having a really bad day. Or else my eyes ache, I feel like I've got the flu, & my spine has excruciating pain radiating outwards, & upwards unless I lie down in bed or sleep. No painkiller will dull the pain enough for me to function. I just have to get myself together, get referrals, & sort some of this crap out. Anyway, that's about it from me, I'm going to try & sleep now!